I saw. And I should have been afraid of his admission, of him, but I was not. "You're a good person, Jacob. What you're feeling is perfectly natural." I pressed myself into his back and put my arms around his waist, holding him close. I kissed him through his shirt near his shoulder blade. "You're a wonderful, caring, brave soul and nothing you say will stop me loving you."
A shudder rippled through him and I held him tighter. But only for a few beats of my trembling heart because he shrugged me off and moved away to stand near the door.
"You were right when we first met," he said, his voice raw with emotion. "Do you remember? You said I'd forgotten how a gentleman should behave when I insulted your sister." I began to protest but he put up his hand and I stopped. "I am starting to lose a little bit of my humanity each day. I can feel it. I'm slowly losing myself, Emily. I don't want to, just like I don't want to hurt you, but I can't help it."
"Don't talk like that. You're still very much a gentleman."
He shook his head. "I can't come to you anymore," he rasped.
"But I'm going to help you find your killer, your body." It was the only thing I could think of to hold onto, the one thing tying Jacob to this world, to me.
"I'll do it on my own."
"But Jacob-."
"No. I can't risk another hesitation like tonight. Ever. Or I won't be the person you love anymore. Do you understand? Having you despise me for that would be...worse than anything I could bear."
I understood. And I hated myself for it. The tears poured down my face but I didn't care. I let them flow unchecked as I watched him. His nostrils flared and the muscles high in his cheek throbbed.
"Goodbye," he whispered.
And then he was gone.
I sat down on the rug on my bedroom floor, lowered my head to my knees and cried until Celia came in and guided me back to bed.
***
I spent the day in bed. I slept fitfully. Celia and Lucy both came and went on occasion, fussing and trying to get me to eat, but I barely heard anything they said. My sister didn't ask me why I was so upset and I was grateful for that.
But her sympathy ended the following day and the questions began almost as soon as she hauled me out of bed. She helped me dress then marched me downstairs to the small parlor behind the front drawing room. Lucy set a breakfast of eggs and toast in front of each of us. I pushed mine away.