Exhausted, I nonetheless had trouble falling asleep. It wasn't just the fact Flowers kicked in her sleep, either.
I was dwelling over what Batu said and what I really wanted to happen in my new life here. My future - specifically a family, husband - had never crossed my mind until my first time travel adventure, when I'd thought I was stuck in the past with Taylor. In college, I wanted to make a name for myself in some career path before I considered settling down. In hindsight, the plan was kind of vague. I didn't have any idea what I'd be doing if not wandering through time. I had trouble choosing a major in college, because I liked too many different things. Having graduated before these adventures started, I was planning on interning somewhere, maybe in the marketing department of some huge company, to see if I fit in and if not, trying something else.
They weren't solid plans, not like spending my life in the Mongol Empire. I didn't need a career here, aside from being a translator. But … it wasn't fulfilling to think of my life as being on call to help bridge languages in between figuring out how to survive the day to day.
It seemed like there should be more, yet there wasn't really time for more in the way I was accustomed to. I couldn't exactly have a long list of hobbies like I did in my time. I'd have to learn another, more practical skill as I adapted to this time. The community and family centric Mongols held similar perspective as Batu: they didn't ask why they were who they were or where they were - they lived. It was both a freeing and frustrating philosophy, one I struggled with despite deciding I wanted to live like they did.
Staring into the darkness above my bed, I had the sense I knew why: because I was still looking for a way out. Even telling myself I wasn't, even admitting it was impossible. I wasn't ready to fit in, because I didn't think I'd be staying.
Except when it came to the flutter of emotions I had for Batu. I hoped it was simply attraction, because he was strong and sexy. As with Taylor, when I looked at my future and the possibility of remaining here, I could almost see it happening when I considered Batu as my friend if not partner in survival.
Or … as something else.
I had the sense if I told him to back off, he would. Batu had been straightforward with me since the beginning and humored the idiosyncrasies I didn't think existed in this time. What I had to figure out: if I really did want him to back off. If letting myself explore what we could be would somehow jeopardize the tiny part of me holding out for my return home.