There was a lull at this time in the news from home. Both
parties in America were gathering up their strength; and in
the mean time the only affairs we heard of were inconclusive
skirmishes, sometimes turning out for the advantage of one
side, sometimes of the other; but not to signal advantage for
anybody. I hoped, with such a lull, that things might subside
into a state susceptible of composition. I might have
reasoned, if I looked at home, upon the unlikelihood of any
such thing. No news of advantages lost or gained had any
effect upon my mother and brother but to make them more keen
in the cause and more relentless in pursuit of their end. The
hearing of a trifling success was like a taste of blood to the
lion; the loss of Beaufort and its forts was turned into an
occasion of triumph because "the great naval expedition" had
accomplished no greater things. They laughed at McClellan's
review of troops; and counted up the gains his adversaries
were to realise from the co-operation of foreign well-wishers.
And then the taking of Mason and Slidell put them into a fume
of indignation and scorn. My father shared, though more
gently, in all this. I was alone. Could I tell them that my
heart was with the Northern army; and how it went out after
every gleam of one particular sabre?
My mother drew me into society by degrees. I hardly knew where
the line was passed, between quiet conversaziones and
brilliant and courtly assemblies. It was passed when I was
unwitting of it, or when I felt unable to help it. My mother
had been so much alienated by my behaviour toward Marshall and
De Saussure, that I thought it needful to please her by every
means in my power, short of downright violation of conscience.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord," - I did not forget;
I thought I was doing the very thing. For it was not to please
myself, that I let my mother make me look as she chose and let
her take me - where she would. My heart was too sore to be
ambitious and too sober to feel the flutterings of vanity. I
knew the effect of her doings was often what satisfied her;
but the nearest approach to a thrill of vanity in myself was,
I think, the wish that Christian could see me. And as he could
not, I seemed to wear an armour of proof against other eyes. I
did not care for them.
Nevertheless, I began to be sensible that they cared for me. I
obeyed my mother at first because she signified her will very
absolutely, and allowed me to see that any refusal on my part
would make a breach between us. I left myself in her hands, to
dress and adorn and lead about as she liked; I could not help
it without an effort that would have parted us. And besides, I
believe I accepted these engrossments of society as a sedative
to keep me from thinking. They took a great deal of tine and
occupied my attention while they lasted.