I was to learn now, how difficult it sometimes is in new forms
of trial, to be quiet and submissive and trust. I used to be
able to trust myself and my wants with God; I found at this
time that the human cry of longing, and of fear, was very hard
to still. I was ready to trust, if I might only see Mr.
Thorold. I was willing to wait, if only we might not be
separated at last. But now to trust and to wait, when all was
in doubt for me; when, if I missed this sight of my friend, I
might never have another; when all the future was a cloudy sea
and a rocky shore; I felt that I must have this one moment of
peace. Yet I prayed for it submissively; but I am afraid my
heart made its own cry unsubmissively.
I was restless. The days that followed the President's levee
were one after the other filled up with engagements and
amusements, - if I can give that term to what had such deep
and thrilling interest for me; but I grew only more secretly
restless with every one. My companions seemed to find it all
amusement, the rides and parades and receptions that were
constantly going on; I only saw everywhere the preparation for
a desperate game soon to be played. The Secessionists
threatened Washington; and said "only wait till the Fourth."
The people in Washington laughed at this; yet now and then I
saw one who did not laugh; and such were often some of those
who should know best and judge most wisely. Troops were
gathered under Beauregard's command not very far from the
capital. I knew the dash and fire and uncompromising temper of
the people I was born among; I could not despise their threats
nor hold light their power. My anxiety grew to see Mr.
Thorold; but I could not. I watched and watched; nothing like
him crossed my vision. Once, riding home late at night from a
gay visit to one of the neighbouring camps, we had drawn
bridle in passing the grounds of the Treasury Building, where
the Eleventh Massachusetts regiment was encamped; and slowly
walking by, were endeavouring to distinguish forms and sounds
through the dim night air - forms and sounds so novel in
Washington and so suggestive of interests at stake and dangers
at hand; when the distinct clatter of a horse's hoofs in full
gallop came down the street and passed closed by me. The light
of a passing lamp just brushed the flying horseman; not enough
to discover him, but enough to lift my heart into my mouth. I
could not tell whether it were Mr. Thorold; I cannot tell what
I saw; only my nerves were unstrung in a moment, and for the
rest of that night I tossed with impatient pain. The idea of
being so near Mr. Thorold, was more than I could bear. One
other time, in a crowd, I heard a bit of a laugh which
thrilled me. My efforts to see the person from whom it came
were good for nothing; nobody like my friend was in sight, or
near me; yet that laugh haunted me for two days.