My husband having trusted one of his fellow-clerks with a sum of money,
too much for our fortunes to bear the loss of, the clerk failed, and
the loss fell very heavy on my husband, yet it was not so great neither
but that, if he had had spirit and courage to have looked his
misfortunes in the face, his credit was so good that, as I told him, he
would easily recover it; for to sink under trouble is to double the
weight, and he that will die in it, shall die in it.
It was in vain to speak comfortably to him; the wound had sunk too
deep; it was a stab that touched the vitals; he grew melancholy and
disconsolate, and from thence lethargic, and died. I foresaw the blow,
and was extremely oppressed in my mind, for I saw evidently that if he
died I was undone.
I had had two children by him and no more, for, to tell the truth, it
began to be time for me to leave bearing children, for I was now
eight-and-forty, and I suppose if he had lived I should have had no
more.
I was now left in a dismal and disconsolate case indeed, and in several
things worse than ever. First, it was past the flourishing time with
me when I might expect to be courted for a mistress; that agreeable
part had declined some time, and the ruins only appeared of what had
been; and that which was worse than all this, that I was the most
dejected, disconsolate creature alive. I that had encouraged my
husband, and endeavoured to support his spirits under his trouble,
could not support my own; I wanted that spirit in trouble which I told
him was so necessary to him for bearing the burthen.
But my case was indeed deplorable, for I was left perfectly friendless
and helpless, and the loss my husband had sustained had reduced his
circumstances so low, that though indeed I was not in debt, yet I could
easily foresee that what was left would not support me long; that while
it wasted daily for subsistence, I had not way to increase it one
shilling, so that it would be soon all spent, and then I saw nothing
before me but the utmost distress; and this represented itself so
lively to my thoughts, that it seemed as if it was come, before it was
really very near; also my very apprehensions doubled the misery, for I
fancied every sixpence that I paid for a loaf of bread was the last
that I had in the world, and that to-morrow I was to fast, and be
starved to death.