I lived many days here under the utmost horror of soul; I had death, as
it were, in view, and thought of nothing night and day, but of gibbets
and halters, evil spirits and devils; it is not to be expressed by
words how I was harassed, between the dreadful apprehensions of death
and the terror of my conscience reproaching me with my past horrible
life.
The ordinary of Newgate came to me, and talked a little in his way, but
all his divinity ran upon confessing my crime, as he called it (though
he knew not what I was in for), making a full discovery, and the like,
without which he told me God would never forgive me; and he said so
little to the purpose, that I had no manner of consolation from him;
and then to observe the poor creature preaching confession and
repentance to me in the morning, and find him drunk with brandy and
spirits by noon, this had something in it so shocking, that I began to
nauseate the man more than his work, and his work too by degrees, for
the sake of the man; so that I desired him to trouble me no more.
I know not how it was, but by the indefatigable application of my
diligent governess I had no bill preferred against me the first
sessions, I mean to the grand jury, at Guildhall; so I had another
month or five weeks before me, and without doubt this ought to have
been accepted by me, as so much time given me for reflection upon what
was past, and preparation for what was to come; or, in a word, I ought
to have esteemed it as a space given me for repentance, and have
employed it as such, but it was not in me. I was sorry (as before) for
being in Newgate, but had very few signs of repentance about me.
On the contrary, like the waters in the cavities and hollows of
mountains, which petrify and turn into stone whatever they are suffered
to drop on, so the continual conversing with such a crew of hell-hounds
as I was, had the same common operation upon me as upon other people.
I degenerated into stone; I turned first stupid and senseless, then
brutish and thoughtless, and at last raving mad as any of them were;
and, in short, I became as naturally pleased and easy with the place,
as if indeed I had been born there.
It is scarce possible to imagine that our natures should be capable of
so much degeneracy, as to make that pleasant and agreeable that in
itself is the most complete misery. Here was a circumstance that I
think it is scarce possible to mention a worse: I was as exquisitely
miserable as, speaking of common cases, it was possible for any one to
be that had life and health, and money to help them, as I had.