She writes out a little card in her neatest hand, and after long
thought and labour of composition, in which the public is informed that
"A Lady who has some time at her disposal, wishes to undertake the
education of some little girls, whom she would instruct in English, in
French, in Geography, in History, and in Music--address A. O., at Mr.
Brown's"; and she confides the card to the gentleman of the Fine Art
Repository, who consents to allow it to lie upon the counter, where it
grows dingy and fly-blown. Amelia passes the door wistfully many a
time, in hopes that Mr. Brown will have some news to give her, but he
never beckons her in. When she goes to make little purchases, there is
no news for her. Poor simple lady, tender and weak--how are you to
battle with the struggling violent world?
She grows daily more care-worn and sad, fixing upon her child alarmed
eyes, whereof the little boy cannot interpret the expression. She
starts up of a night and peeps into his room stealthily, to see that he
is sleeping and not stolen away. She sleeps but little now. A
constant thought and terror is haunting her. How she weeps and prays
in the long silent nights--how she tries to hide from herself the
thought which will return to her, that she ought to part with the boy,
that she is the only barrier between him and prosperity. She can't,
she can't. Not now, at least. Some other day. Oh! it is too hard to
think of and to bear.
A thought comes over her which makes her blush and turn from
herself--her parents might keep the annuity--the curate would marry her
and give a home to her and the boy. But George's picture and dearest
memory are there to rebuke her. Shame and love say no to the
sacrifice. She shrinks from it as from something unholy, and such
thoughts never found a resting-place in that pure and gentle bosom.
The combat, which we describe in a sentence or two, lasted for many
weeks in poor Amelia's heart, during which she had no confidante;
indeed, she could never have one, as she would not allow to herself the
possibility of yielding, though she was giving way daily before the
enemy with whom she had to battle. One truth after another was
marshalling itself silently against her and keeping its ground. Poverty
and misery for all, want and degradation for her parents, injustice to
the boy--one by one the outworks of the little citadel were taken, in
which the poor soul passionately guarded her only love and treasure.
At the beginning of the struggle, she had written off a letter of
tender supplication to her brother at Calcutta, imploring him not to
withdraw the support which he had granted to their parents and painting
in terms of artless pathos their lonely and hapless condition. She did
not know the truth of the matter. The payment of Jos's annuity was
still regular, but it was a money-lender in the City who was receiving
it: old Sedley had sold it for a sum of money wherewith to prosecute
his bootless schemes. Emmy was calculating eagerly the time that would
elapse before the letter would arrive and be answered. She had written
down the date in her pocket-book of the day when she dispatched it. To
her son's guardian, the good Major at Madras, she had not communicated
any of her griefs and perplexities. She had not written to him since
she wrote to congratulate him on his approaching marriage. She thought
with sickening despondency, that that friend--the only one, the one who
had felt such a regard for her--was fallen away.