It was ten o'clock as he was mounting the hill to Cossethay,
carrying his limp book on Bamberg Cathedral. He had not yet
thought of Anna, not definitely. The dark finger pressing a
bruise controlled him thoughtlessly.
Anna had started guiltily when he left the house. She had
hastened preparing the tea, hoping he would come back. She had
made some toast, and got all ready. Then he didn't come. She
cried with vexation and disappointment. Why had he gone? Why
couldn't he come back now? Why was it such a battle between
them? She loved him--she did love him--why couldn't he
be kinder to her, nicer to her?
She waited in distress--then her mood grew harder. He
passed out of her thoughts. She had considered indignantly, what
right he had to interfere with her sewing? She had indignantly
refuted his right to interfere with her at all. She was not to
be interfered with. Was she not herself, and he the
outsider.
Yet a quiver of fear went through her. If he should leave
her? She sat conjuring fears and sufferings, till she wept with
very self-pity. She did not know what she would do if he left
her, or if he turned against her. The thought of it chilled her,
made her desolate and hard. And against him, the stranger, the
outsider, the being who wanted to arrogate authority, she
remained steadily fortified. Was she not herself? How could one
who was not of her own kind presume with authority? She knew she
was immutable, unchangeable, she was not afraid for her own
being. She was only afraid of all that was not herself. It
pressed round her, it came to her and took part in her, in form
of her man, this vast, resounding, alien world which was not
herself. And he had so many weapons, he might strike from so
many sides.
When he came in at the door, his heart was blazed with pity
and tenderness, she looked so lost and forlorn and young. She
glanced up, afraid. And she was surprised to see him,
shining-faced, clear and beautiful in his movements, as if he
were clarified. And a startled pang of fear, and shame of
herself went through her.
They waited for each other to speak.
"Do you want to eat anything?" she said.
"I'll get it myself," he answered, not wanting her to serve
him. But she brought out food. And it pleased him she did it for
him. He was again a bright lord.
"I went to Nottingham," he said mildly.
"To your mother?" she asked, in a flash of contempt.
"No--I didn't go home."
"Who did you go to see?"
"I went to see nobody."
"Then why did you go to Nottingham?"
"I went because I wanted to go."
He was getting angry that she again rebuffed him when he was
so clear and shining.