'I am not quite so sure of myself, and therefore I reserve my privilege
of objecting to him,' returned the other. 'But, if I am not sure of
myself, I am sure of you, Clennam, and I know what an upright man you
are, and how much to be respected. Good night, MY friend and partner!'
He shook his hand in saying this, as if there had been something serious
at the bottom of their conversation; and they separated.
By this time they had visited the family on several occasions, and had
always observed that even a passing allusion to Mr Henry Gowan when
he was not among them, brought back the cloud which had obscured Mr
Meagles's sunshine on the morning of the chance encounter at the Ferry.
If Clennam had ever admitted the forbidden passion into his breast,
this period might have been a period of real trial; under the actual
circumstances, doubtless it was nothing--nothing.
Equally, if his heart had given entertainment to that prohibited guest,
his silent fighting of his way through the mental condition of this
period might have been a little meritorious. In the constant effort not
to be betrayed into a new phase of the besetting sin of his experience,
the pursuit of selfish objects by low and small means, and to hold
instead to some high principle of honour and generosity, there might
have been a little merit.
In the resolution not even to avoid Mr
Meagles's house, lest, in the selfish sparing of himself, he should
bring any slight distress upon the daughter through making her the cause
of an estrangement which he believed the father would regret, there
might have been a little merit. In the modest truthfulness of always
keeping in view the greater equality of Mr Gowan's years and the greater
attractions of his person and manner, there might have been a little
merit. In doing all this and much more, in a perfectly unaffected way
and with a manful and composed constancy, while the pain within him
(peculiar as his life and history) was very sharp, there might have been
some quiet strength of character. But, after the resolution he had made,
of course he could have no such merits as these; and such a state of
mind was nobody's--nobody's.
Mr Gowan made it no concern of his whether it was nobody's or
somebody's. He preserved his perfect serenity of manner on all
occasions, as if the possibility of Clennam's presuming to have debated
the great question were too distant and ridiculous to be imagined. He
had always an affability to bestow on Clennam and an ease to treat
him with, which might of itself (in the supposititious case of his
not having taken that sagacious course) have been a very uncomfortable
element in his state of mind.