'Well!' said Clennam, abiding by the feeling that had fallen on him in
the avenue on the night of the roses, the feeling that he was an
older man, who had done with that tender part of life, 'I found out my
mistake, and I thought about it a little--in short, a good deal--and got
wiser. Being wiser, I counted up my years and considered what I am, and
looked back, and looked forward, and found that I should soon be grey. I
found that I had climbed the hill, and passed the level ground upon the
top, and was descending quickly.'
If he had known the sharpness of the pain he caused the patient heart,
in speaking thus! While doing it, too, with the purpose of easing and
serving her. 'I found that the day when any such thing would have been graceful in
me, or good in me, or hopeful or happy for me or any one in connection
with me, was gone, and would never shine again.' O! If he had known, if he had known! If he could have seen the dagger in
his hand, and the cruel wounds it struck in the faithful bleeding breast
of his Little Dorrit! 'All that is over, and I have turned my face from it. Why do I speak of
this to Little Dorrit? Why do I show you, my child, the space of years
that there is between us, and recall to you that I have passed, by the
amount of your whole life, the time that is present to you?'
'Because you trust me, I hope. Because you know that nothing can touch
you without touching me; that nothing can make you happy or unhappy, but
it must make me, who am so grateful to you, the same.'
He heard the thrill in her voice, he saw her earnest face, he saw her
clear true eyes, he saw the quickened bosom that would have joyfully
thrown itself before him to receive a mortal wound directed at his
breast, with the dying cry, 'I love him!' and the remotest suspicion
of the truth never dawned upon his mind. No. He saw the devoted little
creature with her worn shoes, in her common dress, in her jail-home; a
slender child in body, a strong heroine in soul; and the light of her
domestic story made all else dark to him.
'For those reasons assuredly, Little Dorrit, but for another too. So
far removed, so different, and so much older, I am the better fitted for
your friend and adviser. I mean, I am the more easily to be trusted;
and any little constraint that you might feel with another, may vanish
before me. Why have you kept so retired from me? Tell me.'