"I think you might finish your sentence," said her mother, after a
silence of five seconds.
"I cannot bear to exculpate myself to Roger Hamley. I will not submit
to his thinking less well of me than he has done,--however foolish
his judgment may have been. I would rather never see him again, for
these two reasons. And the truth is, I do not love him. I like him, I
respect him; but I will not marry him. I have written to tell him so.
That was merely as a relief to myself, for when or where the letter
will reach him-- And I have written to old Mr. Hamley. The relief
is the one good thing come out of it all. It is such a comfort
to feel free again. It wearied me so to think of straining up to
his goodness. 'Extenuate my conduct!'" she concluded, quoting Mr.
Gibson's words. Yet when Mr. Gibson came home, after a silent dinner,
she asked to speak with him, alone, in his consulting-room; and there
laid bare the exculpation of herself which she had given to Molly
many weeks before. When she had ended, she said:
"And now, Mr. Gibson,--I still treat you like a friend,--help me to
find some home far away, where all the evil talking and gossip mamma
tells me of cannot find me and follow me. It may be wrong to care
for people's good opinion,--but it is me, and I cannot alter myself.
You, Molly,--all the people in the town,--I haven't the patience
to live through the nine days' wonder.--I want to go away and be a
governess."
"But, my dear Cynthia,--how soon Roger will be back,--a tower of
strength!"
"Has not mamma told you I have broken it all off with Roger? I
wrote this morning. I wrote to his father. That letter will reach
to-morrow. I wrote to Roger. If he ever receives that letter, I hope
to be far away by that time; in Russia may be."
"Nonsense. An engagement like yours cannot be broken off, except by
mutual consent. You've only given others a great deal of pain without
freeing yourself. Nor will you wish it in a month's time. When you
come to think calmly, you'll be glad to think of the stay and support
of such a husband as Roger. You have been in fault, and have acted
foolishly at first,--perhaps wrongly afterwards; but you don't want
your husband to think you faultless?"
"Yes, I do," said Cynthia. "At any rate, my lover must think me so.
And it is just because I do not love him even as so light a thing as
I could love, that I feel that I couldn't bear to have to tell him
I'm sorry, and stand before him like a chidden child to be admonished
and forgiven."