Tragedy and comedy mingle in the Agony Column. Erring ones are urged to
return for forgiveness; unwelcome suitors are warned that "Father has
warrant prepared; fly, Dearest One!" Loves that would shame by their
ardor Abelard and Heloise are frankly published--at ten cents a
word--for all the town to smile at. The gentleman in the brown derby
states with fervor that the blonde governess who got off the tram at
Shepherd's Bush has quite won his heart. Will she permit his addresses?
Answer; this department. For three weeks West had found this sort of
thing delicious reading. Best of all, he could detect in these messages
nothing that was not open and innocent. At their worst they were merely
an effort to side-step old Lady Convention; this inclination was so
rare in the British, he felt it should be encouraged. Besides, he was
inordinately fond of mystery and romance, and these engaging twins
hovered always about that column.
So, while waiting for his strawberries, he smiled over the ungrammatical
outburst of the young lady who had come to doubt the genuineness of him
who called her Dearest. He passed on to the second item of the morning.
Spoke one whose heart had been completely conquered: MY LADY sleeps. She of raven tresses. Corner seat from Victoria,
Wednesday night. Carried program. Gentleman answering inquiry desires
acquaintance. Reply here. --LE ROI.
West made a mental note to watch for the reply of raven tresses. The
next message proved to be one of Aye's lyrics--now almost a daily
feature of the column: DEAREST: Tender loving wishes to my dear one. Only to be with you now
and always. None "fairer in my eyes." Your name is music to me. I
love you more than life itself, my own beautiful darling, my proud
sweetheart, my joy, my all! Jealous of everybody. Kiss your dear hands
for me. Love you only. Thine ever. --AYE.
Which, reflected West, was generous of Aye--at ten cents a word--and in
striking contrast to the penurious lover who wrote, farther along in the
column: --loveu dearly; wantocu; longing; missu-But those extremely personal notices ran not alone to love. Mystery,
too, was present, especially in the aquatic utterance: DEFIANT MERMAID: Not mine. Alligators bitingu now. 'Tis well; delighted.
--FIRST FISH.
And the rather sanguinary suggestion: DE Box: First round; tooth gone. Finale. You will FORGET ME NOT.
At this point West's strawberries arrived and even the Agony Column
could not hold his interest. When the last red berry was eaten he turned
back to read: WATERLOO: Wed. 11:53 train. Lady who left in taxi and waved, care to
know gent, gray coat? --SINCERE.