“I was joking,” Rachel said.
My brother warned her, “Do not make jokes to Lori that you don’t want to be misunderstood and taken seriously.”
“Why is Parker perfect?” Tammy asked. “He’s a playboy who lives on the edge. Why would that be so scary to your dad? He sounds like a combination of Adam and Sean.”
“Yes, but he’s from Birmingham,” I pointed out as I wiped up the lemonade at Rachel’s place—or tried to, and ended up scooting the puddle into her lap. “Sorry. Maybe you should do this.” I handed her the towel and sat back down in my place. “You know how people around here feel about Birmingham. You don’t even have to explain that anything from Birmingham is more intense. If you wreck your car and people want to know how badly you were hurt, all you have to say is, ‘e ambulance took me straight to Birmingham,’ and everybody knows you went to the university hospital because you were at death’s door. If you’re going on a date and you say, ‘We went to Birmingham,’ people know your boyfriend took you to the fanciest restaurant in the state because he’s trying to get in your pants.” McGillicuddy cleared his throat. Next to him, Tammy took a huge bite of her sandwich. He must be taking her on a date to Birmingham sometime soon.
To cover his own embarrassment—or just to make sure he understood my plan, but I doubted this—my brother reached behind him and snagged the pad and pen on the counter beside the phone. He drew a little diagram. “So an ADHD boyfriend is bad, and a playboy ADHD boyfriend would be worse, but a playboy ADHD boyfriend from Birmingham is the top of this hierarchy.”
“at’s what I’m counting on,” I said. “I would not rely on Parker’s reputation alone. I would go out with him on a couple of dates, enough to let Dad know we’re getting serious, and then stage a Teen Crisis.”
Everybody cracked up but me. Tammy asked, “What kind of Teen Crisis?”
“I have no idea,” I said defensively. “You’ve been watching MTV longer than I have.”
“Are you just going to flirt with Parker and win him over,” Rachel asked, “or are you going to explain to him what you’re doing?”
“I’ll explain to him what I’m doing,” I said. “Otherwise I would feel awful. What if he fell for me for real?” Rachel and Tammy looked at each other.
“It is not beyond the realm of possibility,” I grouched.
“What makes you think he’ll do it?” Tammy asked.
“I’ll offer him something in return. I’ll take him around town, introduce him to people, show him where we hang out. I will leave out the part where I am extremely unpopular and kind of socially challenged. Do you think he might believe I’m popular?”
“Depends on how long you’re together,” Rachel said. “He’ll wise up eventually.”
My brother tapped the pen on the pad. “Won’t you feel guilty for lying to Dad?”
I did feel a twinge of guilt at that, but anger took over. “I won’t be lying to him. I will be going out with Parker. I might not be going out with him with romantic intensions, but I will not say I am. Dad will only infer this, and everybody knows you should not infer anything. You should get it in writing.” All this lawyer lingo reminded me that my brother was leaving behind incriminating evidence. I reached across the table, snatched the pad in front of him, and tore out the sheet where he’d made little notes about the plan. I tore out the sheet under that, too, in case the imprint of the pen was clear enough to show up if a paranoid father rubbed a pencil across it. I tore both sheets into a pile of tiny pieces while the three of them watched me as if I had completely lost my mind.
“e thing is,” I said, trying to sound sane, “I need to explain all this to Adam in private. I can’t get McGillicuddy to explain it to him. Something will be lost in the translation.”
“Well, excuse me that I can’t look at him all googly-eyed,” my brother said.
“And he’s liable to punch you,” I said.
“Very true,” Rachel agreed. I felt another twinge of annoyance that she knew Adam so well, or thought she did. at’s one of the reasons I’d asked her to help me plan, but the more helpful she was, the less sure I was that I wanted her help.
My brother’s eyes slid to Tammy for a fraction of a second, then back to me. He said, “Punch me? He can try.”
“Right.” I needed to keep my brother on my side. Best to support his machismo in front of Tammy. But he knew, and I knew, that asking Parker to help me and scaring my dad with Parker would not be nearly as difficult as persuading Adam to play along.
8
Friday night my family had Lori’s family over for dinner. My mom tried to pass it off as routine. She said we’d been so busy that we hadn’t invited them yet this summer, and now was as good a time as any. However, I was pretty sure she wanted to repair whatever I’d messed up with Lori’s dad. Sooner or later somebody would get another speeding ticket, and then what would my parents do? Pay for a lawyer?
I thought I would be glad for the chance to get close to Lori. It ended up being three courses of frustration. I’d felt exactly this way wakeboarding with her an hour before. I always looked forward to being near her, but when the time came, we were both scared to exchange more than a “hi” for fear authority was watching us.
Even worse, the longer this went on, the more shy I felt around her. Not shy, exactly—I was not shy, and Lori was so friendly that nobody could feel shy around her. It was more like I wanted to impress her as her boyfriend, and for about two days I’d felt confident I could do it. Now I was regressing back to the way I’d felt ever since I could remember, knowing I liked her more than she liked me, and deathly afraid to make a move for fear of messing things up with her. Or getting sent to military school.
So when she grinned and put up her arms to slide past me in the narrow space between the refrigerator and the island in the kitchen, I didn’t even put out a finger to stroke the strip of exposed skin between the hem of her tank top and the waistband of my jeans she’d cut off into shorts, with her pink bikini bottoms peeking out. I just looked longingly after her and took my second helping of catfish back to the table.
But after dinner, I got another chance.
“Run down the hill,” Sean said. “Hurdle the cooler. Get sprayed by the hose. Swing on the rope. Catch the ball.”
“Agreed,” Cameron said. “One, two, three…”
“Break!” the five of us shouted, raising our hands from the pile in the center. I walked to the end of the dock, where I had a clear shot to pass the football to whoever swung over the lake on the rope hanging from a branch of the enormous oak tree. Lori followed me, dragging the garden hose. I was a little surprised her dad didn’t complain about this, because she’d stripped off her tank top and my shorts to reveal her pink bikini underneath. Sean and McGillicuddy wandered over to sit with my parents and Lori’s dad and Frances under the tree. Cameron hiked up the yard to get a running start.
“Oh, God,” Lori said without looking at me, “what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might talk or something.”
“That would be awful,” I said. “I might give you a hickey.”
She laughed, still watching for Cameron’s start instead of looking at me. “Just by talking to me?”
“I can talk really dirty. You’d be surprised.”
She turned red. I hoped her dad couldn’t see her blush from that distance. My mom had cracked open a bottle of champagne to celebrate him finally asking out Frances.
Maybe that would put him in a better mood about the hood next door making his daughter blush.
“How do you like Frances dating your dad?” I asked.
“I was excited about the possibility of getting a new mother, until she started acting like one.”
“Oh.”
“Speaking of bizarre dates,” Lori said, “I’ve been meaning to tell you something all week.” She was done with me. She was dating someone else. Maybe that’s why I’d turned shy around her the past few days. I’d been afraid of this, and I didn’t want to hear it.
Before she could spill to me, I said, “Here he comes.” Cameron barreled down the grassy hill. He leaped over the big cooler. Lori gripped the trigger on the hose and released the pressure that had been building up, catching him in the side of the face with a hard stream even from thirty feet away. He put up both hands to block the water and tripped over his own feet, nearly falling as the grass gave way to the sandy beach.
“Good shot,” I told her.
“Tomorrow night I’m going out with Parker Buchanan.”
Cameron jumped onto the rope. His momentum carried him far out over the lake. My stomach felt like it was going with him, swinging over a bottomless pit.
I waited until the precise moment to power the football out to him. He let go of the rope at the apex of his swing just as the ball hit him in the chest. He reached his arms around it a fraction of a second too late. The ball bounced off him and plopped into the lake at the same time he did.
Everyone made disappointed noises. Only Frances clapped for him, and when he surfaced, she called through cupped hands, “Good try, Cameron.” Frances had always employed positive reinforcement with kids, which is why my family found her so weird.
I took advantage of the commotion. Still watching Cameron floundering in the water, I asked Lori, “You’re breaking up with me?” If I’d been looking into her green eyes as I asked this, I probably would have broken down. As it was, only my voice broke. I hoped the splashing covered it up.
“No, of course not!” She moved her hand toward me like she would touch me, but she stopped herself in time. Her hand stayed there in the hot air between us. “I’m going ahead with my plan to date boys more insidious than you.” Her hand flexed, fingers splayed, hoping I would hold off until she finished. I wondered what she thought I would do.
“I figured Parker wasn’t as bad as Kevin Ye,” she went on, “because he has not been to jail. Yet.” Cameron waded out of the water and tossed the ball back to me. I dried it on my shirt. Ever since my dad made the “sex on a stick” comment, I’d been careful not to expose my chest, even when boarding and swimming. Sean told me I was getting a farmer’s tan.
I realized too late that I was exposing my belly as I dried my shirt. Lori watched. I glanced toward the oak tree, but her dad was leaning forward, talking to Frances with his hand on her knee. We had fallen into a parallel universe where people who never touched each other were suddenly in love, and people who were in love weren’t allowed to touch each other.
Nobody paid attention to Lori and me anyway. McGillicuddy ran down the hill. He was so big and gained so much momentum that he almost didn’t leave the ground in time to jump over the cooler. His toes grazed it as he leaped. Lori squeezed the trigger on the hose. He’d turned away so the water didn’t catch him in the face. She sprayed him in the back of the neck, droplets of water shooting out in all directions like an explosion. He ran that way with his face averted until he hit the beach, then caught the rope and swung out over the water, a lot farther than Cameron had gone.
I waited until the perfect moment to fire the ball at him. We made it look easy. He caught it and dropped into the water in an enormous cannonball.
Everyone cheered for him. He surfaced triumphantly and tossed the wet ball back to me.
“Great arm!” my dad yelled. He toasted me with his champagne flute.
“ere’s no way they’ll start him on the varsity team,” Sean called as he moved from the shade of the tree up the hill to take his turn. “Adam won’t remember the plays.
He won’t remember what team they’re playing. You can’t have a quarterback with ADHD.”
“We’ll see,” I yelled back. You asshole, I thought. Then I turned to Lori. “I can’t believe you’re going ahead with this plan after I asked you not to.”
“Face forward and do not look at me.”
I didn’t like people telling me what to do, even Lori. But in this case, she was right. I faced forward and stared out over the lake. In the hot evening with most boats docked for the night, the surface was glassy, reflecting the sunset. No one would have suspected millions of critters lived underneath, churning the water with their complex lives. Just like no one would have looked at Lori and me then, standing side by side on the dock with a football and a garden hose, and thought we were discussing our whole future together.
“is is exactly why I’m going ahead with the plan,” she said. “We’ve hardly exchanged two words since Sunday night. Now it’s Friday and we have no indication that my dad will give in any time soon. Your parents have threatened you with military school. We have to do something. So I asked out Parker for tomorrow night. He knows it’s a favor. We’re only going to the movies. I’ll pick him up at his grandparents’ house around six thirty—”
“You’re picking him up?” I asked. “In what, a boat?”
“No, silly, in my dad’s Beamer. I got my license.”
“You did?” I couldn’t help exclaiming.
My dad looked up from his conversation with my mom and eyed me.
“Yes!” Lori said. “I’m sorry I forgot to tell you, with everything else going on. Actually I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t allowed to speak to you. Whatever.” I should have felt happy for her for getting her license. e day I got my license a month ago was one of the happiest days of my life, second only to Lori’s birthday a week ago, when we’d gotten together. On my own birthday, I’d dumped my dad out of my truck at the marina and driven all over town for hours by myself.