I loved the feel of her tender skin under my touch. The way her body opened up to take me into her and give me everything she was.
Then, from somewhere deep in my mind, a tiny spike of jealousy tore through me, ripping every gentle feeling from me until all I could think about was Nina with Cal just hours earlier. I pulled away from her and stood up as the knot in my stomach returned and my hands clenched in rage.
Nina opened her eyes and stared up at me in confusion. "Tristan, what's wrong?"
"I have work I have to do. We'll leave at six. No need to dress up. Wear whatever feels comfortable."
Sitting up, she frowned. "Oh. I thought we were going to our favorite restaurant."
Straightening my tie, I nodded. "We are. I'll see you at six."
And with that I left, needing to escape from everything she made me feel. The ecstasy. The pain. And everything in between.
Chapter Eleven
Tristan
I couldn't turn off the feelings just thinking of Nina and Cal created in me, so I did what I always did when I couldn't control my emotions. After an hour run and beating the hell out of the speed bag, I could at least say I'd reined in the worst of the ugliness that had threatened to take me over. I stood in the shower with my head hung as the water streamed down my back until it ran cold, unable to wrestle those final shreds of jealousy and hatred that continued to spin inside my mind. Over and over, I told myself that Nina cared for me. That I wasn't reading her signals wrong.
And over and over the truth that I couldn't shake from my soul raised its ugly head and forced me to admit its existence: she'd snuck away to meet another man and hadn't told me when I'd given her the chance.
My chest felt like a weight was pressing down on it. Every breath I took hurt, as if the simple act of taking air in was all wrong. An emptiness made the pit of my stomach ache as I tortured myself with that same scene of Nina with Cal on his cheap desk.
I knew I couldn't show her this side of me. She'd never love me if she knew my demons. How many times had my shrinks lectured me on the need to control my emotions? I'd been more than successful, in my opinion. I kept myself and my heart walled off and life had been good. Well, if not good, at least not painful for me or the rest of the world.
Then Nina came into my life and every emotion she brought out in me seemed magnified. I wanted her. I needed her. She was all I thought about from the moment I found out what Karl and his friends on the Board planned to do. And then I fell in love with her and she became my life.
My brain raced with thoughts about her ex. I hated him, and I didn't even know him. I didn't care. I hated him because he had a place in her mind. She'd let him into her heart once, so why wouldn't she again?
Of all the things I could give her, he had that one priceless thing I couldn't. Her past.
I waited for Nina at the end of her hallway, not knowing what I'd do if she kept her visit to Cal a secret. At six exactly, she opened her door and came toward me in the same dress she'd worn earlier.
When she'd snuck off to meet him.
She stopped dead in front of me and looked me up and down. "You aren't in a suit? I don't think I've ever seen you not in a suit. Well, except when you're not wearing any clothes at all."
A cute blush pinkened her cheeks, making her even more beautiful.
"I don't think jeans and a shirt are anything that different, Nina."
Stepping toward me, she hooked her thumbs in the belt loops near my zipper. "I like this look. Even jeans look incredible on you. You okay now?"
I wasn't okay, but she was too sweet standing there looking up with those beautiful blue eyes for me to shut her out again, so I pushed down my feelings about Cal. "Troubles at work. Nothing to worry about. I'm hungry. I hope you are."
As I turned to walk toward the car, she caught my arm and pulled me back to kiss me. Standing on her toes, she crushed her mouth into mine as she pushed her body against me, exciting me even if I didn't want to want her at that moment. That's what kind of effect she had on me.
When she pulled away for a moment, I asked, "Did you remember something you want to tell me?"
"Yes and no. Let's just say that I'm looking at things between us a little differently now."
I liked this new Nina, but I hoped her change of heart didn't have anything to do with her midday rendezvous. "Really? Anything you want to talk about?"
She kissed me softly and smiled. "First, I want to see our favorite restaurant. After that, who knows?"
I accepted her answer and tried hard to push Cal and all my jealousy away. "Your chariot awaits, my lady."
I'd arranged for Tony's Little Pizza Heaven to be ours exclusively for the night, just in case she remembered something. I didn't want her feeling overwhelmed by a memory and have to deal with the other patrons at the same time.
We walked from the parking lot around to the front of the building, and just as we reached the front door, she took my hand in hers. It was the first time since before the accident, and when I looked down at the sight of her hand so delicate in mine, it seemed so natural, like that's where it belonged.
"I can't wait to see this place!" she said as she looked in the window.
We sat at the same table as the first time we ate there, and I hoped that even that might spur some memory. Nina looked around wide-eyed at the decor as the waitress who'd been there the night I asked her to marry me arrived to take our order. In seconds, I realized I hadn't thought of everything.
Recognizing us, she lowered her order pad and pen, and smiled, her eyes wide with friendly enthusiasm. "I haven't seen you guys in weeks! How are you?"
Nina looked at me, unsure of what to say, and before I could answer, the waitress said to her, "I have to tell you I've told everyone I know about how lucky you are. What he did that night was so sweet. So when's the big day?"
She winced, like she was embarrassed, and I quickly stood from my seat. "Nina, excuse me. I need to speak to the waitress for a moment."
The woman looked even more confused than Nina did as I guided her toward the back room. In a low voice, I whispered, "I'm sorry, but she doesn't know what you're talking about. There was an accident and she suffered a head injury that made her forget a lot of things."
"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. You two were just the nicest couple and what you did that night was so romantic. I just wanted to wish you well."
"It's okay, but she doesn't remember."
The waitress touched my arm in sympathy. "Are you saying she doesn't remember saying yes or she doesn't remember anything at all?"
I looked over at Nina sitting alone and said quietly, "Nothing at all."
"I'm so sorry. I'll get your usual, if that's okay, and leave you two alone. I hope things get better for you real soon."
Taking my seat next to Nina, I saw the sadness in her eyes. Our night out was already a mess.
"I'm sorry about that."
"Tristan, did you make sure we'd be alone here tonight?"
I nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't remember that the waitress who served us before might be here. I'm sorry. I should have thought of that."
She covered my hand with hers and smiled. "That you went to that much trouble is so sweet, but you can't shield me from everyone who may remember more than I do. I appreciate the effort, but you don't have to. I have to accept that people like her remember things I don't."
An uneasy silence settled in between us as Nina slid her hand back to rest in her lap. It felt like we were strangers suddenly, so different from the two people flirting in her hallway just a short while earlier.
The waitress brought our drinks, and we pretended like nothing was wrong, fooling no one. Sitting there drinking semi-flat birch beer, I wondered if we'd ever get past this stage of one step forward and three steps back. Just when I thought we'd turned a corner, we were back to being like strangers again.
"You proposed here?"
"I did. I promise it was more romantic than the time we're having now."
Nina smiled and leaned over toward me to squeeze my forearm. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Tristan. I'm having a great time. I'm here with you and I remember I love pizza, so I'm looking forward to this."
"You're being kind," I said, allowing my disappointment to show.
"Well, you said that was something you liked, right?" she asked with searching eyes.
"I did. Just one of many things."
"Like what? What do you like best about me?"
What I can't give you. Yet.
I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it, looking up at her. "I love your honesty most, Nina. When we grow old and grey and neither one of us looks like we do now, if I have your honesty, that's all I could ask for."
A pained look came over her, and when she turned away, my heart skipped a beat. Something had happened at Cal's office and she just didn't want to tell me. My blood felt like it ran cold in those moments as I waited for her to turn back to face me.
Biting her lip, she looked at me and took a deep breath. "About that. I have something to tell you."
I pasted a smile on my lips as my stomach dropped to the bottom of my body, and I feared that the next words out of her mouth would be to tell me she'd decided that she wanted to be with Cal again. Maybe having a second chance at life had made her want more. Maybe she wanted to rekindle that relationship.
No. I couldn't let her do that.
"You can tell me anything, Nina. Always remember that." Even as the words were leaving my mouth, I silently prayed that she'd never tell me what I feared I'd hear in the next seconds.