I’m sorry.
That you lost your dad.
Lost the monster in your life.
That you’re hurting.
That you’re confused.
That you have to go through this.
‘I love you.’ It’s all I can think of and it seems to be exactly what he needs to hear because he turns to me, eyes soft as he leans over and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him. My stomach presses into the console, but I still give in as he hugs me closer, almost in desperation.
‘I love you, too,’ he whispers with his head buried in my neck. ‘God, I fucking love you. And really, that’s all that matters.’ I can feel the exact moment when he starts to cry, not because I can feel his tears or even hear him. I can feel it because of how tight his hold on me gets, like every one of his muscles is forcing the emotion out of him.
I wrap my arms around him and run my fingers through his hair, remaining quiet while he cries because there’s not much more I can do. He needs to get it out and I’m glad he is. It’s when he holds it in that things become a problem.
I’m not even sure how long we sit there like that, well into the evening, but I don’t dare move, afraid he’ll suck all the emotion back inside himself and trap it there.
By the time he pulls away, the sky has cleared, but the sun is lowering behind the mountains, casting its orange neon glow against the snow on the ground. There are hardly any people left on campus and the parking lot is nearly vacant.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask as he wipes his bloodshot eyes with the back of his hand.
‘Yeah, sorry about that.’ His voice is hoarse ‘I just lost it for a second.’
‘You know, it’s okay to lose it,’ I say, reaching over to wipe away a few tears remaining. I’m about to pull away when he leans into my touch so I keep my hand there. ‘And it’s okay to cry.’
‘I know it is,’ he says, letting out a heavy exhale. ‘And I think I needed to do it – let it all out. I’ve needed to for the last twenty years.’
There’s a pause and I’m about to ask if he wants to talk about it when he leans back in the seat, facing forward then puts the car into reverse. ‘I know you have questions,’ he says as I buckle my seatbelt. ‘And I’ll answer them, but I just want to be home when I do, if that’s okay?’
I nod, turning forward in my own seat. ‘Of course that’s okay.’
He looks relieved as he pulls out of the parking lot and onto the street. On our way back to the apartment, we stop to pick up some takeout because neither one of us is great at – nor do we enjoy – cooking. Then we settle on the sofa with our hamburgers, fries, and drinks, and eat in silence even though it just about drives me crazy.
‘It was my mother who called,’ he finally says as he picks up his drink and fiddles with his straw. ‘She found out my number and called to tell me herself.’
‘Was she …?’ I pick at my hamburger. ‘Was she nice?’
He shakes his head as he takes a sip of his drink. ‘No, she was exactly herself.’
Okay, now I’m really worried. ‘Kayden, I—’
He cuts me off by leaning forward and brushing his lips across mine. When he pulls away, he seems content. ‘I’m fine, Callie. I promise.’ As if to prove this point, he sets his food down and takes my hand in his. ‘I got to tell her a lot of stuff I never had the balls to and then I realized that I was done.’
‘Done?’
‘With all of it. With her. With hating both of them. With letting them still affect my life even when they’re not here.’ He takes my food from my hand, sets it down on the coffee table, and scoots toward me until our knees touch. ‘I’m going to let it go.’ Determination pours from his eyes and overpowers me to the point I feel like I’m drowning in it – the pain he’s releasing himself from. ‘I’m going to focus on the future. Keep going to school and play my fucking heart out and hope I get drafted. And if I don’t, I’ll have my degree to fall back on.’ He reaches for me, tucking strands of hair behind my ear, before placing his warm palm on my cheek. ‘And I’m going to take care of you and make you so happy.’ Emotion radiates through his eyes as his gaze steadily holds mine. ‘I want to keep going down this path with you. I want us to have a future – you and me.’
Maybe Jackson was right. Maybe we are headed in the direction of marriage. God, what if we are? Do I want it?
I nod eagerly. ‘I want that, too, more than anything else.’ I pause, ‘But …’
His brows knit, his confidence faltering a bit. ‘But what?’
‘But …’ I hesitate again, nervous to bring it up. ‘But what about the funeral? Are you …? Are you going to go to it?’
‘I’m not sure yet.’ He’s not angry or sad, just confused.
‘Well, either way, I support you.’ I turn my head and delicately kiss his palm. ‘I’m here for you if you want to go and say goodbye. Get some closure, maybe.’
His eyes are soft, his expression full of nothing but love. ‘I know you are.’ It’s within that moment I think I realize that we’re going to be okay. Sure, they’ll probably be bumps down the road for us – there always will be when it comes to life – but he’s finally letting me love him like he deserves and that’s a huge, epic step for us.
Life-changing even.
The rest of the night is relaxing, falling into our routine. We eat. We talk. Then after Kayden falls asleep in bed, I write.
I’m starting to love our routine.
As soon as my fingers hit the keys, they come alive, eager to write and be free.
After the girl saved the boy, they didn’t see each other for many sunrises and sunsets. Not because they chose to, but because they’d gone their separate ways and done their separate things, which is the case most of the time in life.
The girl had moved out of her palace and found a new place to live – a new life for herself where she wasn’t constantly haunted by the memories of the monster. She actually felt happier than she had in a long time, partly because she’s been able to leave her past behind, but also because the night she saved the boy, something changed inside her. She’d stood up to a monster and even though it wasn’t her own, it made her feel braver and less fearful in a world that seemed so scary all the time.
And the boy … well, she didn’t know what had become of the boy, if he’d escaped the monster or not, but she hoped so. Hoped he was moving on like her.