Ezra kept silent, his gaze making me even more nervous.
Finally, I blurted, “We’ve never had ‘the talk’, Ezra.” My hands fluttered a little before I started yanking them through my hair while I wondered if this was a bad idea. “You know?”
He held my gaze. “The talk?” He spoke like it was foreign to him, tasting the word’s newness.
I sighed heavily. How the hell else do I explain it? Wringing my hands, I studied my shoes. “Like…we never talked about…whether or not we would have other lovers while we were sleeping together.” When he stilled completely, I stated hurriedly, “I don’t want that. Or, what I mean is, I don’t want us sleeping with other people.” Fuck, I was flustered.
Running my hands through my hair, I continued blundering through what I was trying to say. “I want to be…exclusive.” I nodded. That was what I wanted to say. “Exclusion. I want it stated in mutual understanding that’s where we are, instead of just…happening. I want to know for a fact that you aren’t out there kissing or touching or f**king someone else. And I don’t want someone else doing any of that to you.”
I pointed at myself. “I can honestly say I don’t want anyone else doing that to me. But right now, as we stand, either one of us could go out and f**k someone else, and the other person would have no viable reason to be upset, because we’ve never actually talked about it.” My eyes, which had been wandering, darted to his. And stayed there. I really wanted to look away, but I wanted to gauge his reaction more.
He didn’t show a damn thing. “Exclusion?”
Curtly, I nodded. I had already asked it. Might as well see where this goes.
“As in,” his head tilted to the side, “you no longer f**k anyone but me?”
I nodded. Crude, but true. “Yes. And you no longer f**k anyone but me.” I had to clarify that.
His head fell back, exposing his throat as he gazed at the ceiling. I stared. He definitely wasn’t calm. I didn’t even have to listen to his heartbeat to know that. It was actually visible in the wild pulse at his throat.
When he stayed silent, my heart rate doubled in worry, and I asked quickly, “Would it really be so bad to be together-together?” I shook my head, throwing my arms wide. “Hell, we practically are already. It’s just…happening. All I want is for you to say you won’t sleep with anyone else.” I paused, then made myself say, “Well, unless you break it off with me first.” I was proud the words came out louder than a whisper, because I sure as hell didn’t want him breaking it off.
Gaze dropping from the ceiling, he ran a hand over his face. “Sweetheart, calm down.” His words were quiet, calm, when neither of us were. “I understand what you’re saying.” His green gaze met mine steadily. “It’s not that I haven’t thought before about bringing this topic up with us.” My heart stalled, hearing that. His smile was soft, his head slightly cocking. “I’ve been without my mate longer than you have yours, and I’ve been staring at that damn crack longer than you have. So I’m,” he lifted his hand, rolling a finger, “further along in the process than you are.”
“Oh.” I tried to keep my jaw from gaping. “Why haven’t you said anything then?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, realization dawned. He didn’t want it. My breathing hitched, and I glanced at the door again. “Fuck, my ignorance surprises even me sometimes.”
Quietly, he growled, “It’s not what you’re thinking, so don’t even think about running.”
My gaze snapped to his. His head was tilted down, his eyes staring at me with clear intent. If I made a move for the door, he was planning to stop me. “Okay…explain, please.”
He stared at me for a few beats longer, his eyes assessing. I tried to appear at ease, as if I didn’t want to run from him saying he didn’t want me, and placed my hands in my pockets, rocking back on my heels. Eh, no problem. He sighed, leaning back on the desk, even though his eyes didn’t waver from me, not buying my act.
Gradually he spoke, as if he were gauging my reaction to each of his words. “When I first really started contemplating the idea of a real relationship between us,” his lips thinned, “it was shortly before we lost our baby boy and girl.” My own lips pinched, air slowly exhaling through my nose at the reminder of our loss, while I watched as his chest heaved, his own head falling for a moment before he rolled it on his shoulders, glancing back up to me. “After that,” he sighed, shaking his head, “I didn’t know what the f**k to do.”
“We were lost,” I whispered, my hands clenching in my pockets. “Afraid of reality.”
“Exactly,” he rumbled, standing, his hands instantly going into his pockets, which dragged his jeans lower on his hips. This time, he began pacing. “And when we did get back together, I was still scared shitless, but I knew I wanted to be with you.” His predator growled low. “But as far as the thought of exclusion goes, it’s the ‘what-ifs’ that are killing me.”
I backed away, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion as I watched him stalk up and down the bookcases as I had. His head was lowered and his shoulders were hunched. The muscles in his arms bulged, and his jaw was clenched. He appeared like a man torn.
I was startled to feel hope bloom amongst my fear of losing him. Hope for another man. Someone besides Dominic. Someone I didn’t want others touching. Hell, I didn’t even want them looking at him, or him gazing at them, hungry for all his attention directed at me. And it freaked me out only a little.
He stopped unexpectedly after a full couple of minutes of quiet, taking a hand out of his pocket to rub the back of his neck, his eyes coming to me, then away, as he said quietly, “I don’t know if I can do exclusion.” He paused, green eyes finding mine and staying this time. “And I don’t know if you can, either.”
I stiffened at his implication, and seeing it, he shook his head, explaining, “It’s one huge ‘what-if’, since I know we wouldn’t give our word on it.” He was right. A Mystical’s word bound them magically to what they said, but for him and me…it would feel like cheating — demeaning us — when we had never had to use magic to make us…us. Our relationship had always been about love, trust, and respect. When I didn’t argue with his assumption, he nodded his head once, as if he knew I wouldn’t. “So there would be no damn magic to keep us from being turned on by someone else.”