“I can’t stay! I have a life in Alabama, and you need to get clean and stay there for once.”
“Maybe I don’t want to! Did it ever occur to you that I’m fine? That I’m happy the way I am without you trying to fix me?” Tears welled in her eyes and ran down her cheeks. I closed my eyes against the assault. Nothing had ever affected me like her tears did. “I’m never going to be okay. I’m a lost cause, so I don’t understand why you just won’t lose me, too!”
I stood, concentrating on keeping my knees steady. “You are not lost! I will always search for you. I will always pull you back. I will always find you!” My skin felt tight, dry as I rubbed my face in my hands. “Fuck, Anna! You have to help. You have to take one damned step on your own, because I can’t keep walking for us both. I can’t keep you clean. You have to do that yourself—want that for yourself.”
“Stay. Please?” she begged. “Don’t leave me.”
For a second, we were sixteen again, wrapped around each other, clinging to the only sure thing we’d always had while our world was shredded in front of us. That sixteen-year-old boy should have stayed, should have been what she needed. But he hadn’t, and the twenty-three-year-old man who stood in his place couldn’t. Not when I knew that staying with her would mean forsaking everything I’d worked for—my independence, my career, my general sanity. “I can’t.” My hand rested on the doorknob. “I have a training bubble after selection next month.” If they don’t kick me out for failing after missing six fucking days. “I’ll come then, I promise, but I can’t stay. Not now.”
“I can’t do this without you,” she whispered.
I rested my forehead on the door frame and held off the guilt that lured me to stay here. Then I pictured Paisley. Her smile, her kiss, the way she surrounded me with acceptance and inflamed every one of my senses while soothing me at the same time. “You can’t do this with me, Anna. I can’t be your crutch, not anymore. I’ve gotten you here. I’ve given you every tool you need, but we’ve been doing this dance for seven years, and it’s time for you to stand.”
“You’re leaving me…for her. C to G, Jagger! You swore!”
I lifted the short sleeve of my T-shirt to expose the tribal tattoo on my right arm and pointed to the lettering in the center. “C to G. I’m here! I mean it. But I can’t do this for you. You have to do it yourself. I can’t get clean for you.”
“You’re choosing her over me!” she cried out.
I opened the door to the hallway and didn’t turn back around. “No, I chose you when I came instead of staying where she might have needed me.” A mistake I’d never make again. “I’ve taken care of you, Anna, like I swore I would. But now I need you to choose you, too. I can’t stick around and watch you kill yourself like this anymore.”
The door closed behind me, putting enough space between Anna and me to breathe.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Paisley
1. Fall into desperate, soul-consuming love.
The smell of popcorn filled the townhouse, and I dug out a package of M&M’s from the hidden stash of candy I kept behind the flour. After all, I’d read somewhere that mass amounts of chocolate gave your brain the same chemicals as an orgasm. I’d probably need to eat the whole darn factory to get even half of what Jagger did to me. I climbed off the shelves in the pantry, pulling my flannel drawstring pants back up to my waist and adjusting the straps of my tank top.
“Ooh¸ is it movie night?” Morgan asked, skipping into the kitchen, dressed in form-flattering jeans and a low-cut top.
The clock said eight fifteen, and I rolled my eyes at her. “Not for you, it’s not. Go on, get out, Morgan.”
She leaned over the kitchen island. “I’d rather stay here and keep you company.”
“No. You’re not going to miss out on anything on my account.”
She arched an eyebrow at me. “Are you going to call your boyfriend? Or are you still avoiding him?”
The problem with avoiding telling Jagger about the tests was that it meant I hadn’t seen him, or touched him, or kissed him. I was close to a high-school prank hang-up call. The microwave dinged, and I removed the bag, careful to only hold onto the edges. Once the bowl in front of me was full, I popped a few tablespoons of butter in the microwave to melt. I mean, if my heart was going to give out anyway, I might as well.
“Paisley. You have to tell him.”
I nodded, dumping the bag of M&M’s on top of the hot popcorn. Another ding, and the butter was ready for drizzling.
“Paisley!” Morgan slammed her hands down on the counter in front of me.
My head snapped up. “I know! It’s just…” My eyes darted from the calendar marked with the next appointment. “He doesn’t treat me like I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken.”
“Oh, please. Everyone else sees me as a cracked little vase. They just keep handing me back and forth, careful not to press on the weak spots, keeping me high on the shelf where I can’t breathe. Jagger…he’s like a shot of pure oxygen. I don’t want to lose that.”
“You’re not going to stop loving him just because you tell him. He’s not going to walk away, not with the way he looks at you. That boy is head over heels, and he deserves to know.”