Ada had acted like I’d done something terrible to Hunter. Why did she sound like she was so sure she had the moral high ground? Instead of her, it was Hunter who appeared to be panicking. The image of his expression as he snapped his head around, staring at the people who had stopped to watch, burned in my memory. He looked like a cornered animal. But why would he be so scared when Ada wasn’t? Was it as simple as him having a conscience and her being born without one? Why on earth had they been at the health center anyway? Was Hunter sick? Then why didn’t he tell me?
My jacket vibrated. Pulling out the phone with fingers that were numb from the cold, I pecked at the screen angrily to input my password. Suddenly, the phone slipped out of my hand; I fumbled but couldn’t save it.
I cringed as I watched it splash into a slush pile. Even though I bent down and snatched it up immediately, fingers freezing, I knew it was too late. I pressed the power button repeatedly, but the screen wouldn’t turn on. My precious phone was toast.
Dammit. This is f**king great.
What was I going to do now?
I stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk and stared out across campus. Tomorrow I would be on a bus to Indiana. My phone was dead but I still really needed to talk to Hunter. Instead of heading back to my dorm, I decided to head for his place. He had to come home eventually, and when he did we could have our conversation. We had a lot to talk about.
We had been doing so well. How did things get so messed up?
Chapter Twenty-five
GOODBYE
My heart in my throat, I walked into Hunter’s apartment and greeted the kittens. At first glance Hunter wasn’t here. He was probably still dealing with Ada. I took a big breath and crouched down to the kittens’ level, wondering how long it would take him to get home. The incident in front of the health center still had me shaken up.
Taylor ran up to me and rubbed the length of her body against my leg. Her large blue eyes looked up at me affectionately. I gave her some pets on the chest, her favorite spot, and her eyes closed as she purred her approval.
I scooped her up and walked to the living room. Taylor looked around curiously at her new surroundings. The two of us plopped down on the couch and waited.
And waited. And waited. I kept feeling for my phone before remembering it was dead. Taylor squirmed around a bit before falling asleep on my lap. After I’d sat there for around thirty minutes I reached for the remote control—careful not to wake up the sleeping kitty on my lap—and turned on the television. Bravo was running a marathon of The Millionaire Matchmaker, and I watched that for a couple hours. Taylor continued to sleep in peace, blissfully unaware of the shit going on between me and Hunter.
As the episodes and hours piled on, confusion turned to frustration. It was ten o’clock and the light outside had turned dark. I’d been sure he’d be home by now. My stomach was starting to growl, having not eaten for hours. Where the hell was he? He couldn’t still be with Ada, right? What did “I want to talk to you” mean to him, anyway?
I felt isolated sitting in his living room while he wasn’t there. For the hundredth time, I wished my phone was working. Not being able to get in touch with people made me feel helpless.
I couldn’t sit waiting forever, and I definitely wasn’t falling asleep at his place—my bus was leaving tomorrow morning. If he didn’t come back to the apartment soon, I was going to have to leave. Leave Studsen without having talked to Hunter. My stomach dropped. The frustration that had been building inside of me began to turn to dread.
What if I had to leave before he came home? It was unlikely that I’d have time to track him down tomorrow; I didn’t have a phone and my bus was leaving at nine in the morning. Besides, even if I wanted to track him down, would I even be able to? He had disappeared for a week before I saw him today and now he was nowhere to be found again when he promised me that we would talk. Hunter was getting more unreliable every minute he didn’t show up at his own apartment.
I was petting Taylor in my lap when a sudden wave of nausea hit me like an oncoming bus. If I leave Studsen, I may never pet Taylor again. Hunter had been with Ada; I was in his apartment, maybe for the last time; my stepfather had sent me that letter; I failed my semester; my parents were dead; the man I loved was flaking out on me again and everything was turning to shit. Again.
The weight of everything came crashing down on me like a pile of heavy stones. I suddenly felt incredibly nauseous. After hastily putting Taylor to the side, I sprinted on shaky legs for the bathroom so I wouldn’t vomit on the living room floor. Thankfully, I made it to the toilet. I held my hair back and threw up until my guts were empty.
Sitting on the floor hunched over the toilet, ragged, I had a moment to think. This is awful. I couldn’t handle this. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t keep burying my problems and hoping they would go away with time—it would kill me.
A sound came from the bathroom door as it slowly creaked open. Hunter?
Taylor popped her furry head through the door and entered. She stood there, looking at me wide-eyed as I sat there breathing heavily, still trying to steady myself. She approached and nuzzled against my leg. Tears of frustration welled up in my eyes and I stood up to wash myself off in the sink.
After cleaning myself up and walking out of the bathroom with Taylor following close behind, I realized I needed more than a few days stay in Indiana to recuperate. I had dreaded the idea before, but I wasn’t sure what else I could do now. I needed an anchor in my life. Something to stabilize me. I thought Hunter had been it, but the past few days were proving that wrong. I needed to be with Aunt Caroline and Uncle Stewart for more than just a few days.
How was I going to tell Hunter? I needed to get out of here, but he was nowhere to be seen, and I had no way of knowing when he would get home. One thing I didn’t want to do was what he had done to me by disappearing. I couldn’t leave Studsen with this conversation hanging over my head.
Maybe I could leave him a note. It wasn’t perfect, but at least I could explain the situation. Resigned, I rummaged through my bag, seeing if I had a notebook to write Hunter something if he didn’t get back soon. No luck. All I had was my sketchpad and charcoal from earlier in the coffeeshop. It would have to do.
I scratched out my opening: Hunter. Warm tears beaded up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I remembered the things he had said to me when we spent those four nights holed up in this apartment.
“I’m gonna save us both.”
When he said those words, I’d believed him. But he was wrong. He could barely save himself from whatever he was dealing with, and if I added my problems on top of that, it was just going to pull us both down. I had to save myself or I wouldn’t make it. Neither of us would.
I took a deep breath and kept writing as tears streamed down my face, pausing now and then to think of my next sentence.
Hunter—
I want to start by saying I’m sorry. After the past few days, I came to your apartment hoping we could talk about everything, but you never came back. I don’t know where you are, but I hope you’re okay.
So now I’m leaving this note. Some stuff happened and there’s no way I can continue with my classes, so I’m withdrawing from the semester. I don’t know if I’m ever coming back to Arrowhart.
I’m writing this to tell you we’re over. I’ll be leaving Studsen early tomorrow morning.