Though I was powerfully curious about Matt's writing, I knew better than to pester him. I figured he would volunteer what he wanted me to know—which turned out to be very little.
Sometimes, before I went to work or after I got home, Matt paced and spoke animatedly about writing in general.
I loved to hear him then. I loved to see him lost to me, strange as it sounds, and consumed by his passion. He talked to have it out with himself, arguing points I wasn't contending, and he stared into the heart of a fire I could not see.
My lover was a writer. He was a writer first, and my lover second.
On the last Friday in November, I found Pam waiting for me in my office.
I shrugged off my coat and glanced at my watch. Whew, I was on time. No matter how long I worked for Pam, her presence put me on eggshells.
"Morning Hannah."
"Ms. Wing." I smiled.
"I need you to read these manuscripts." She tapped two thick envelopes on my desk. "Laura thinks they have promise, but I haven't got time to go through them."
"Sure thing. Is that all?"
"For now." Pam moved toward the door. "Oh, and when you're done with that..."
"Hm?" I looked up. Pam was grinning at me. Yikes, playful Pam was decidedly scarier than serious Pam.
"Well, if you get the time, I have the latest offering from Jane Doe."
My eyes widened. Pam laughed, obviously gratified.
"Pam!" I whined.
She stepped into her office and returned with a stack of pages. I snatched them. There was no doubt in my mind that Pam already ransacked the pages, but I didn't care.
I shut out the world and read hungrily.
It was The Surrogate, of course. It was the complete manuscript.
The story darkened as I read, and more than once my throat tightened with grief. The surrogate's lover found out his secret and abandoned him. I felt Matt exorcising his turmoil in the prose. Only a few people would know the truth of this fiction.
If I had wondered at Matt's agony in the cabin in Geneva, now I knew. For him, the loss of me was a presence...
...a hole in his life that should not be filled. It was over, and it could not be over because he could not forget. She would become all that emptiness. In that, there was a comfort.
Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever ends.
I scrubbed the tears from my eyes. I wanted to fly home to Matt, but I'd only put two hours on the clock. Fuck.
Matt's novels notoriously ended on low notes. The Surrogate was no exception. It closed with the surrogate on the run.
I gaped at the final line.
He disappeared off the cold grid, into the blackness of darkness.
What did that vague-ass sentence mean? Did the surrogate kill himself? What?
I stormed into Pam's office. She was laughing before I got there.
"Okay Hannah, what do you think?"
"I think he's a dick! And I hate literary fiction!" I jabbed the manuscript at her. "God, it's like... he spends every novel getting you by the balls, only to tear them off!"
Pam raised a blow. I blinked.
"Why Hannah, I didn't know your opinions could be so... explicit."
"Sorry, I—"
"Quite alright. Matthew's view of the world is dark. But you know that, don't you? I took you for a fan."
I folded my arms and tried to think objectively. Pam was right. I loved Matt's fiction... when I didn't love Matt.
Now?
Now I saw him every day—Matt in slippers, Matt after sex, Matt sniffing around the kitchen—and I couldn't bear to think he housed such strange sorrow.
Sad things seem truest to me.