Kasey asked me out of the blue one time if I’d ever been in love before. We were curled up on the big couch in his parent’s living room on a Saturday evening, homemade caramel popcorn between us and a couple of cold Cokes on little coasters on the coffee table in front of us. Things were being blown up and decimated on the big television screen and all was right with the world.
I laughed lightly, surprised at his question, and instantly replied “No!” as I grabbed his hand. He’d responded in kind and let the subject drop, almost if he’d expected my answer and mentally moved on before I’d even spoken. I sat in silence for a minute, holding his hand between mine, studying his palm, tracing his lifeline, and wondering what had inspired his question.
“Why?” I asked, suddenly unable to contain my curiosity.
Kasey glanced over at me distractedly, “Why what?”
“Why did you ask me if I’d ever been in love?” I prodded.
Kasey shrugged one shoulder, turning his attention back to the screen. “I don’t know, I’ve just been thinking....You may not have noticed me until last year, but I noticed you a long time ago.”
“Huh?”
Kasey sighed and picked up the remote, pausing the movie, making the guy who was being hurled through the air pause in mid-flight. He looked at me then, his eyes running over my face.
“Josie you’re beautiful, and you have been beautiful your whole life.” I warmed at the praise and found myself smiling sheepishly, embarrassed but pleased. “The nice thing about you,” he continued, “is you don’t seem to know it. When we were in junior high, my friends and I would talk about you. Some of the guys thought that you were stuck up because you were so quiet and you weren’t interested in any of us.” My eyebrows shot up, and it was Kasey’s turn to be slightly embarrassed.
“Well, you were so much more mature than everyone else, heck you were practically from a different planet. You were nice enough, but you were really distant, kind of like you were just putting in your time, you know? A few of the guys thought maybe you had an older boyfriend or something.” Kasey searched my eyes like he was gauging the effect his words would have - maybe wondering if I would volunteer that I had, indeed, had a secret boyfriend no one knew about.
“You were taller than all of us and looked a lot older, and you were definitely smarter. I knew better though. I knew you were just really shy, not stuck up. You probably don’t remember, but in 7th grade Science you sat right next to me. You were very sweet - never snotty or full of yourself. I looked forward to that class every day. That was when I decided that someday you were gonna be my girlfriend. I’ve liked other girls, but I always had my eye on you.”
I leaned over and gently pressed my lips to his, and the conversation was suspended as he kissed me back. His mom’s voice from the kitchen brought us tumbling back to reality, and we pulled apart and resumed a safer proximity. Kasey hit ‘play’ on the remote and the unfortunate victim finished his trajectory into the side of an apartment building. Kasey slung his arm around my shoulders, and I leaned against him, pulling my feet in fuzzy pink socks up under me.
I’d spent the rest of that evening in contemplation, feeling almost guilty. I’d been glad for the Schwarzenegger video Kasey had picked to watch; it had allowed my mind to wander as he enjoyed the destruction on screen. It had been a while since I had actively thought of Samuel. He still tiptoed through my thoughts every now and then. When the Twin Towers and the Pentagon had been hit, I wondered where he was and if he would be one of the Marines on the front lines in the war in Afghanistan. I had even watched the news coverage with his face in my mind. But I had not physically missed him, not really, not for a long time. After all, I hadn’t seen him in more than two years.
But as I sat there holding Kasey’s hand, I had to acknowledge my lie. I might love only Kasey now, but I had been in love before. I had loved Samuel. It was not a crush or infatuation. It had been love. Innocent, out of the ordinary, before its time, but….love. Time had provided perspective, and though I had never admitted it to myself, I knew it was true. The thought left me shaky.
I hadn’t ever told Kasey about Samuel. Not a single word. I wondered at my silence. I wasn’t ashamed of what had been - but there weren’t words. Some things can’t be explained or shared; they tend to lose their luster when passed around. It reminded me of the ‘pearls before swine’ scripture. A pig will never have any appreciation for a pearl, no matter how precious. He doesn’t have the experience or the capacity to comprehend its worth. My relationship with Samuel had been a glimmering pearl in my life, and even those closest to me, though certainly the furthest thing from swine, would be unable to grasp its intrinsic value. The saying ‘you had to be there’ pretty much summed it up. Nothing could be gained by me trying to expound on the subject - so I never had. Samuel was no longer a part of my life, and that night as I held hands with my future, I determined to keep him tucked away in my past.
The day of graduation, May 28, saw us lined up with our classmates, marching down the aisle, and getting our diplomas. Alphabetical order put Jensen and Judd side by side, and Kasey and I threw our caps into the air together. I was in the top ten in my class; I would have been Valedictorian had I tried. I made sure I wasn’t. Graduating number three meant I wouldn’t have to say one word into the microphone, and I had no interest in giving a speech at graduation. I didn’t shed any tears as people around me, including Kasey, hugged each other and cried nostalgically. High school had never been the pinnacle for me, and I was so ready for what came next…and what came next was Kasey and me in church, in front of the whole town, saying ‘I do.’ When I was a little girl, I had watched the musical ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ eight million times, and I was going to be a June bride. We had the date set, the announcements printed, and my wedding dress, the dress my mother had worn when she married my dad, hanging in my closet where I could see it as I fell asleep each night.