To be minus a member of their party unnerved Felicia. It made the danger feel more real.
"Do we push ahead or stop for the night?" Duke asked, rubbing her hip in a comforting gesture.
His touch felt incredible, and she melted against him, too tired and emotional to waste the energy fighting what she longed for.
"We stop." As always, Bram made the pronouncement like a consummate leader.
"Wonderful. So bloody tired ..." Ice groused.
She heard multiple zips coming down at once, then the slither of nylon. Everyone was fishing their sleeping bags from their rucksacks. She had best do the same.
Before she could sling the pack off her back, Duke moved in behind her and pulled her sleeping bag out. His grunt and the rasp of synthetic material told her that he did the same with his own. After a curse and more sounds of metallic teeth moving, he took her hand and pulled her into a little alcove around the corner and down to the ground with him. As Felicia felt around, she realized that he'd joined their sleeping bags together to make one pallet for them both.
"Relax," he whispered. "Hungry?"
"Please."
After a fumble or two in the dark, she managed to find his hand and the beef jerky he offered. She grimaced at the first salty bite, but it provided protein and energy.
They ate in silence, and she wished more than anything that she could see Simon's face. Was he looking at her? Was he angry that he'd been unable to perform magic around her when they'd tried earlier? It wasn't that she didn't trust him with her life, but opening herself so totally ... God, did she even know how? Would he want her forever if he really knew her?
Still, Felicia knew she must continue to try. Having a warrior capable of magic if they were forced to face down either Mathias or Morganna would be critical to winning.
And with every step, they marched closer to the tomb. She had days--perhaps only hours--to figure out how to allow Duke's magic to function in her presence.
Moments later, they heard Bram's soft snore on the other side of the wall. Across the cavern, the sounds of Ice settling in reached her ears. Bless them both for giving her and Duke as much privacy as possible.
"Duke?" Ice called.
Beside her, he tensed. "Yes."
"You're the only one here who can recharge your magic. The only one with the possibility of using it when we reach the tomb. Whatever problems you two have, get over them. Fast. I want to see my mate again."
The sounds of Ice burrowing into his bag took over for minutes, then he fell silent.
Mortification and anxiety twisted Felicia's insides. Ice was right. If they failed, it would likely be her fault ... unless she found some way to scale the huge walls she'd been building around her heart all her life.
"Where do we begin?" Her voice trembled, and she hated that. But she couldn't hide it. Simon was too perceptive not to notice.
"Sunshine ..." He caressed her hair, no doubt wanting to reassure her.
But it wasn't all right. She knew that. When only their relationship had been at stake, she had the luxury of going slow and taking baby steps. Now, that was gone.
She tensed, thinking about just how emotionally intimate opening herself totally to Simon would be. What if he discovered he really didn't like her after all?
"I know Ice is right," she whispered. "We must solve this. I can't keep standing in your way. I can't be the cause of any warrior's death. Or Mason's."
I need you and I don't know how to tell you.
Simon was silent for long moments. "I don't want to be necessary for the sake of your conscience. I want to be necessary to your heart. But I can't force you. I've done everything I know to help, Felicia. The rest must come from you."
She closed her eyes. He was dead right. Which meant that she was going to have to let him into those uncomfortable parts of her heart and psyche, and trust that all the caring he'd exhibited was real ... and lasting.
Heaving a long sigh, she rolled into his arms, placing her palm over the strong beat of his heart. "I hardly know where to start."
"At the beginning, with your parents?"
She nodded. Time to let go.
"I resented them. That sounds terrible. They adopted me from a gray, unfeeling place. But at least at the orphanage, I expected that. When Deirdre and I were adopted, we had such high hopes. At first, it was all lace and fancy dresses, dolls, trips, and new toys. Then I realized my father was never there, and my mother was too busy with her social climbing to pay us girls much mind. Deirdre took on the motherly role, making sure my homework was done and I was tucked into bed with my prayers. But after a while, I became her mother in a sense. She had suffered abuse as a young child. For years, no amount of affection, attention, reassurance was ever enough. We were each other's rock all through adolescence. I held her hand through a string of failed relationships. But as we grew older, she finally grew more confident, started making better choices. She began to shine."
"Then came Alexei?"
"He stripped her back to that frightened girl. Years and years of progress, of assurance and hugs ... all gone in months. I tried to rebuild her. Day and night, I stayed with her, talked to her, cried ..." Felicia felt something inside her give way, and her chest all but caved in. She shook with the first sob. "It wasn't enough."
Simon wrapped a comforting hand around her shoulder. "Maybe Deirdre didn't want to be saved. You invested yourself in her. She was the only person you'd ever totally been yourself with, given everything to. The only person you let yourself truly love."
"Y-yes."
"And she left you."
"I ... wasn't enough for her. Why would I be for you?" She grabbed his shirt in a fist, a fresh dose of anger pouring through her. "Dragging me to the cemetery was awful and low--"
"And necessary. No matter what happens, if you're ever going to be happy, you must heal. You can't keep blaming yourself, your parents, Alexei, or anyone else for Deirdre's choice. I know you hurt like hell. It wasn't your failure or even her bad relationship that led her to her end. It was her. She lacked the will and the strength to heal. I refuse to believe that of you."
Felicia choked back the retort on the tip of her tongue. Oh God, he was right. It wasn't that she feared becoming suicidal. After she hadn't been enough to save Deirdre, she'd feared being crushed again, regressing back to that little wide-eyed girl who'd first climbed into the Saffords' car, feeling so alone, with high hopes and fairy tale dreams, only to be disappointed by reality.
Had she feared never finding happiness so much that she'd never allowed anyone but Deirdre the chance to be close to her? Yes.
A bitter realization.
"You've done so much for me," she whispered to Simon.
"You owe me nothing." His voice turned to steel.
Simon sounded angry, and in his shoes, she supposed she would be as well. To continually reach out to someone only to be rebuffed and have distance shoved between you would be excruciating. He was so strong, she'd never considered that he might have needs or fears that he'd like to unburden on her.
"I owe you an apology. I've asked a great deal of you, put you through a lot. I'm sorry."