“Here’s more milk and cake,” Aunt Coralee announced. The guys went back to watching TV and talking. I didn’t turn around to see if Nash was still playing basketball or staring at us.
“She doesn’t eat enough. Make sure she finishes the whole thing,” she told West as if she knew we were friends now and the idea tickled her pink.
“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, taking the plates from her hands and putting one in front of me.
When she left the room, West smiled down at me. “You need to relax. You look like I’m forcing you to sit here beside me. They’ll get over it soon enough. I swear.”
I tilted my head down to hide my mouth from everyone else. “I know,” I replied quietly. “I just hate being stared at.”
He chuckled and moved his fork to get a bite of cake. “Then you shouldn’t be so damn pretty.”
The birds in my stomach were back. How was I supposed to eat now?
Do You Have Regrets?
CHAPTER 14
WEST
Maggie had slipped off to her room when we started watching last week’s game tape. I had been so relaxed watching the plays and talking about where we messed up and where we needed to tighten up that I missed her leaving.
I hadn’t gone after her—I knew she had wanted to escape. I could tell by the look on her face. She’d only been staying for me.
But now my head wasn’t on the game anymore. I was thinking about my dad and the fact I’d been gone too long. I wanted to get back home and check on things. Talk to him even if he didn’t talk back. I’d found that didn’t matter anymore. I just needed to be near him.
The end was coming, and it wasn’t going to be easy.
I stood up and walked over to Brady and then whispered I was heading home and told him to text me Maggie’s phone number. The guys were so wrapped up in watching the game, they didn’t notice or say anything about me heading out early.
I wasn’t in my truck yet when my phone dinged. Brady had sent me her number. I’d almost expected him to tell me to get it from her myself. But he trusted me with her. I’d make sure I deserved that trust.
It helped just knowing I could call and hear her voice if I needed to. And I wondered if the sound of my voice helped her? She’d been through something virtually alone. Could I be for her what she was for me?
I opened the truck door and glanced up at her window. She was sitting in the window seat, her knees tucked up under her chin, watching me. I lifted my hand to wave, and she did the same. Then I held up my phone and put it to my ear and pointed at her.
Just to be sure she understood, I quickly texted her.
It’s me. Brady gave me your number. If I call, will you answer?
I pressed send then looked back up at her. She glanced down at her phone and I watched as she typed something. When her face lifted again to look down at me, my phone dinged.
Yes. If you need me, I’ll answer.
That was enough. I nodded and climbed into the truck to drive home and face my reality. I would sit and talk to Dad. I’d tell him about watching the game with the guys. And I’d tell him about Maggie. He’d like her.
When I opened the door to the house, it was quiet. The hospice worker was gone for the day. I locked up and headed inside. There was a note on the table from Momma telling me that she had made me a sub sandwich and left it in the fridge along with a fresh gallon of sweet tea. Dad had asked for her, so she had gone to lie down beside him.
I wasn’t hungry. I’d eaten two slices of cake earlier, and now knowing I wouldn’t get to talk to Dad tonight, I didn’t feel much like eating. But Momma would worry if she checked the fridge in the morning and saw the sandwich still there. So I fixed a tall glass of iced tea and took the sandwich and drink with me up to my room. I’d try to eat some before I went to sleep. If not, I’d make sure she never saw it wasn’t eaten.
I set my food down then walked quietly up the hall to stand outside my parents’ bedroom door and listen. There was silence. My dad used to snore, but he never did that anymore. He slept so quietly now. I used to lie in my bed at night, covering my ears, wanting him to stop snoring so I could fall asleep. These days I found myself wishing for his snoring. Just so I’d know he was still breathing.
My heart clenched at the idea of my dad no longer breathing. The panic and pain that came with that thought squeezed my throat, making it hard to inhale. I moved away from their door and went back to my room so I didn’t disturb my mother. Closing my door behind me, I placed both hands on the door to hold myself up as I hung my head and gasped for air.
I was going to lose him.
I knew that, but damn, it hurt so bad.
Every time I let the facts sink in, my emotions began to lose their grip. I felt my body tremble as tears blurred my eyes. How was I going to make it through life without my dad? I needed him. We needed him.
I managed to inhale sharply, and I coughed to clear my throat before pushing off from the door and walking over to my bed to sink down onto it. My phone pressed against my leg where I’d stuck it into my pocket.
Maggie’s face entered my thoughts, and without thinking about it, I pulled my phone out and scanned the contacts for her number.
She answered on the second ring.
“Hello,” she said softly.
It was late, but I knew the guys wouldn’t have left Brady’s yet.
“Were you asleep?” I asked.
“No. I’m still sitting right where you saw me last,” she replied.
I closed my eyes and pictured her up there in that window. Lost in her thoughts. In her solitude. She had spent so much time the past two years locked inside herself. Not talking to others. I didn’t like to think about it. The idea of her being alone hurt me. I understood it, but I wished I’d been able to be there for her the way she was for me. Maybe now I could be that friend she needed. Just like she was mine.
“Did you ever have times when you couldn’t breathe? When the pain was so intense, it squeezed your throat and held on tight?”
“Yes. It’s called a panic attack. I had them a lot. I haven’t since I moved here, though.”
So I wasn’t losing my mind. This was normal. “How did you deal with them?”
She sighed. “I didn’t at first. Once, I even passed out from not breathing. But I learned to think about something that made me happy. That gave me peace. I refused to let the pain control me. And the squeezing would ease up, and I could breathe again.”
She gave me peace. She was the only thing that had given me peace in a long time.
“Are you afraid to close your eyes at night?” I asked her.
“Yes. Because I know the nightmare will come. It always does.”
“Me too. I’m afraid he won’t wake up tomorrow,” I replied.
She was quiet for a moment. We both sat there and listened to the other breathe. Oddly, it was enough.
“One day that is what will happen, West. And it will be incredibly hard. But what you can do now is make the most out of the time you have left. Talk to him even if he can’t talk back. Hold his hand. Tell him everything you want him to know. So when he’s gone you don’t have regrets.”
Her mother had been taken from her without warning. And so had her father with his horrible, sick act. She’d lost it all just like that. She was right. I had time to make sure I didn’t have regrets.
“Do you have regrets?” I asked, already knowing the answer. I could hear it in her voice.
“Yes. So many,” was her soft reply.
I couldn’t imagine sweet Maggie having anything to regret. She was kind and gentle. It was hard to think of her being anything less than perfect.
“I’m sure you were the daughter every mother wanted,” I assured her. “I know yours had to have been very proud of you.”
She didn’t reply at first, and I was afraid I was making her talk about it too much. I had been focusing on her pain to forget mine. I hadn’t been careful enough.
“Two hours before my mother died, I told her she was ruining my life,” Maggie said, then let out a bitter laugh. “Because I wanted to go to a party that my friend was having at her house, and my mother didn’t feel like there was proper adult supervision there. I wanted to go so bad. I had thought her not letting me go was the end of the world. The worst thing that could happen to me. If I had only known two hours later that I’d lose her . . . that I would find out what the worst thing that could ever happen to me truly felt like.”
I closed my eyes and felt her regret heavy inside me as if it were my own. She had been a fifteen-year-old girl wanting to grow up. She had been acting out like all teenagers did. Hell, I had my fair share of screw-ups. It was just so fucking unfair that she’d lost her mother that way before she could fix it. Before she could apologize and make it right.
“She knew you didn’t mean it,” I told her, feeling like the words were inadequate. But I didn’t know what else to say.
“I hope so. But it will always be my biggest regret,” she replied.
I Was a Liar. Fantastic.
CHAPTER 15
MAGGIE
I woke up with my phone on my pillow. Then I had lain there and just stared at it for several minutes. I’d talked to West for more than three hours last night. Until I’d fallen asleep. Hearing my own voice when I knew he needed me to talk to him wasn’t hard. Yet the idea of speaking to someone else terrified me.