Inside the house, I tossed my car keys on the counter and then sat on the edge of the sofa. "I lost it," I told Hannah. "I just lost it." Kenny deserved everything I'd said and done, and in that sense I didn't regret it. However, I'd been called upon to treat the sick and injured--nothing less and certainly nothing more.
Generally, I picked up something to eat on my way home from the clinic. But I hadn't thought of food all evening, although I hadn't eaten since noon. My stomach growled.
I located a can of soup, heated that and ate it over the kitchen sink. When I finished I set down the bowl and just stood there. I was still angry. My hands became clenched fists.
"I can't do it anymore," I told Hannah.
How I missed her. How I needed her. She would've been horrified by the regular attacks on Shamika and concerned about my uncharacteristic loss of control. Undoubtedly she would've found the perfect words to comfort me and ease my mind.
But Hannah wasn't here. She never would be again and I'd need to deal with instances like this on my own. I'd acted foolishly. But while I regretted cracking, I didn't regret threatening that wife-beater.
It was midnight before I'd calmed down enough to go to bed, but sleep didn't come. After tangling the sheets, rolling one way and then the other, I decided to sit up and read. That didn't help, and in an act of pure desperation, I reached for the photo of Hannah. It was one of my favorites--she was walking in an open field, carpeted with blooming wildflowers. I'd taken it on a day trip to Hurricane Ridge several years before. I kept the framed photograph by my bedside and now I set it on the pillow next to mine.
As I suspected it would, having Hannah's picture close soothed me and I finally fell asleep.
I woke to the bright light of morning and lay on my back, gazing up at the ceiling as I replayed the events of the previous night. I turned my head to one side to look for Hannah's photograph, planning to replace it on my nightstand. I was surprised to find it missing.
I sat up and looked around. It took me a few minutes to discover that at some point I must have thrashed around and caused the photograph to fall to the floor.
I leaned over to retrieve it and found the glass shattered and the frame broken.
Chapter Six
I work out at the gym three days a week, but on Saturday mornings, I usually run. After my five-mile jog, I stepped into the shower and let the spray beat down on my back while my thoughts churned. I couldn't get the vision of Hannah's broken photograph out of my mind. It felt almost as if she was telling me how upset she was that I hadn't done what she'd asked, which I realized was ridiculous. And yet...the glass had shattered. Why
now, I wanted to know, after the countless times I'd placed it on the empty pillow next to mine? I'm not a superstitious man; I believe in science and rational behavior. But I couldn't help wondering if Hannah was the reason I instantly recalled Winter's phone number. Of course, the fact that I'd stared at it for ten minutes yesterday evening might have something to do with it.
I waited until nine-thirty, then called. Winter answered on the second ring.
"Hello."
"Hi, Winter. It's Michael," I said. Actually, I'd been hoping the call would go to voice mail and I could escape talking to her. No such luck.
"Michael! It's so good to hear your voice. How are you? No, don't answer that, I know how you are."
"You do?"
"You miss Hannah. Oh, Michael, I do, too."
So I'd been right. Hannah would be the primary focus of our conversation.
"I can't believe it's been a year."
"Me, neither," I muttered. In some ways, though, it felt much longer.
"I heard you stopped by the cafe," Winter continued. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I hope you'll come again."
"Sure."
"How about now?"
"Now?" I repeated.
"Unless you've got other plans. We can have coffee, spend a few minutes catching up."
Perhaps it would be best to get this over with quickly. I'd fulfill my duty and then go back to missing Hannah. She wouldn't be able to fault me once I'd made the effort. "It'll take me fifteen minutes to get there."
"That's perfect. How do you like your coffee?"
"Black," I told her.
"I'll start a fresh pot. It'll be ready by the time you arrive. Would you like a croissant?"
I wasn't turning one down. "That would be wonderful."
"Great. I'll see you soon."
"Bye." I hung up and paused while I considered what had just taken place. All week I'd worried about what I'd say, but so far, dialogue on my part had hardly been necessary. Winter seemed pleased, even excited, to hear from me, although I hadn't seen her in more than a year.
All at once an idea struck me. Was it possible that Hannah had written letters to the three women on the list, as well? This hadn't occurred to me before, and it paralyzed me.
After a few minutes, the pounding of my heart subsided as I decided on a plan of action. I'd sound Winter out. Naturally I'd broach the question carefully. If the letter to me was the only one Hannah had written, then I didn't want Winter--or anyone else--to know about it. Ritchie knew, of course, but I could trust him to keep his mouth shut.
I left the house and made the short drive to Blossom Street in less than ten minutes. The downtown area was starting to show signs of life as business owners opened for the day. I noticed the yarn store across from the French Cafe and pulled into an empty slot in front of it. Cody Goetz was a patient of mine and I'd met Lydia, his mother and the shop's owner, on a number of occasions. The family had recently adopted a twelve- or thirteen-year-old girl. Hannah had always wanted to learn how to knit. She'd intended to knit our baby a blanket and had signed up for classes at A Good Yarn just before we learned she had cancer. The classes were forgotten, although Hannah had been so eager to knit that baby blanket....
A baby blanket!