Nina and I had been texting back and forth all night. I knew that Christmas Eve was really tough for her because of Jimmy and wanted to keep her spirits up even if we couldn’t be together. I might have taken it too far earlier when I sent her a message that I couldn’t help thinking about her when I Touch Myself by the Divinyls had come on the radio. Even though she didn’t confirm it, I wondered if she understood that I was alluding to the night in my room when she admitted that she masturbated. After I’d sent it, it took me nearly an hour to calm the raging hard on that developed just thinking again about her getting herself off. I finally had to retreat to the bathroom to take care of it. (Jingle Bell Jerk Off.)
I’d also told her I missed her. I did, so fucking much even though it had only been a couple of days since our Chicago trip. Maybe it was mental because of the two weeks apart ahead of us.
Hannah interrupted my thoughts. “Uncle Jake, look!” She enthusiastically lifted up what seemed like the hundredth gift opened between her and Holly. This one was a freakish looking doll with gigantic eyes.
“Wow! That’s…precious.”
Frightening was more like it.
Nina had once confessed that certain dolls scared her when she was little, so I snapped a picture of it with my phone and texted it to her with a message.
Say hello to my little friend. It may be Christmas at your house, but it’s Halloween here.
A few seconds later, she responded.
Nina: What the hell is that thing?
Jake: The niece’s new doll. You like her?
Nina: No!
Jake: We shall name her Nina.
Nina: Ugh! LOL.
Jake: ;-)
After a few minutes passed, I texted her again.
Jake: I need your address to mail your present. I’m making it next week while you’re away.
Nina: I’m intrigued. I’ll need to send yours, too. What do you like better, giving or receiving?
Jake: Are we still talking about presents? Either way, I really like both. I love to give actually. LOVE it.
Nina: I was talking about presents, yes. But now I see you’re not.
Jake: What do you like?
Nina: If we’re talking about actual gifts, I like to give.
Jake: And if we’re talking about other gifts?
Nina: It depends.
Jake: On?
Nina: Who I’d be exchanging with and if they’re good at giving gifts.
Jake: I’m very gifted.
Nina: I have no doubts that you are.
Jake: Take a picture of your face.
Nina: What? Why?
Jake: Because I’d be willing to bet it’s redder than a poinsettia plant.
I typed again.
Jake: And because I miss it.
Nina: My face?
Jake: Yes. I fucking miss your face.
Nina: I miss your face, too.
It was the second time tonight I’d told her I missed her. My ability to hold back was clearly dwindling.
“Jake, can you stop with the phone for one second to come here and open your present?” my mother shouted from across the room.
I put the phone down. “What am I twelve, Ma?”
Actually, with all of the texting back and forth we’d done tonight, I kind of felt like a kid again in the best way. Nina had a knack for making me forget all about my very adult troubles. Every moment spent with her, even when we weren’t physically together, made me giddy.
I lifted myself off the ground and scrunched through the piles of giftwrap to join my mother on the couch. She handed me a small box.
“Let me guess…cufflinks?” I joked as I ripped it open. My smile faded, and I froze, staring mesmerized at the stainless steel dog tag chain in my hands. It was heavy, masculine, and the word etched onto the front caused a shiver to run down my spine: Nomads. That was the name of the local biker club my father belonged to back in Illinois. I turned it over and engraved onto the flipside were my initials: J.A.G.
My voice lowered to a whisper. “Ma…is this…”
She nodded with a haunting intensity in her eyes. “It was his. He was wearing it the night he died.”
Suddenly, the metal seemed to weigh heavier in my hands. My fingers tingled as if the piece came alive upon that revelation, as if it were an actual part of my father. He used to always wear this. I’d assumed it was gone from this Earth forever, just like he was. Staring at it in awe, I brushed my thumb along the smooth plate.
“Did you just find this?”
“I’ve had it all these years, always knew I’d give it to you someday. He’d want you to have it. He’d already had your initials engraved on the back when he wore it. I didn’t do that. He did.”
My eyes started to feel watery. “You’ve kept it all this time. Why give it to me now?”
“I was waiting for a special time, maybe your thirtieth birthday, but the truth is, you’ve just made me so proud over the past few years, seeing everything you’ve gone through, how you’ve handled what life’s thrown at you. I just didn’t want to wait any longer.”
I proudly placed it over my head and around my neck. Pressing my hand over my chest, I said, “Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this right now.”
I hugged my mother tightly.
Max patted me on the back. “Wear it in good health, son.”
I hadn’t opened up to anyone in my family about Nina. The timing of this made me feel like somewhere out there, my dad knew my life was in turmoil, and that I needed this and in turn, needed him. Whether that was unfounded or not, wearing the chain would give me much needed strength.