For my entire life, my mom has been pushing me to go to college, to make a name for myself. And I am going to do that. But what if, when Kyle proposed, I had truly been in the moment? Truly thinking about what he was asking and what it meant for us, for me and the boy I loved so much—what would that have meant for me? All decisions are different in hindsight. Maybe all we can do is make the best decisions we can in the moment, using the best information we have right then. But still.
What if Kyle hadn’t broken up with me? What if he’d let my rejection stew for a day and then moved on? What if he’d apologized a couple days later? A week. What if he’d apologized the morning after the night he died?
Is life one big long what if?
I’ve been blaming myself entirely for his death for months…but Liza is right: everything is about balance. It wasn’t just me that could’ve done something differently. Kyle could have too.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten over him…I don’t think I ever will. I loved him too much.
I need to change the subject before I start crying. “So what’s up with Andrew?” I ask.
She glances over at me. “He asked me out after our fourteen-miler last week.”
“And?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“Oh.”
“Right now is Liza time. I’m running this marathon because I want to get in shape and do something I’ve always wanted to do. It’s not a reason to meet guys. Taking time for yourself is always okay.”
I grin. “That’s really cool.”
This past year has been Annie time. I felt guilty about that sometimes when my mom, or my brother and his friends, would invite me out and I didn’t feel like leaving the couch, but I don’t feel bad anymore after hearing what Liza said. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you. For me that’s going to the drive-in, our spot, and popping popcorn in my mouth, watching nineties movies. But I do like the idea of trying to find a new balance—one with college, family, a job, and friends. Something more than what I had in high school.
“Maybe I’ll say yes after the marathon is over if either of us is still interested,” Liza says.
“So you are interested!”
“Have you seen Andrew’s shoulders and chest? Damn. And he’s a cop.”
I laugh.
“I can’t say I haven’t sneaked a peek at Matt’s little brother,” she says. “He has nice shoulders too.”
Yes, I know. I’ve seen them. Touched them. Squeezed them.
“I feel like a cradle robber saying that,” Liza adds, laughing.
“Nah. But you do seem a bit obsessed with shoulders.” That reminds me. “Oh my God, yesterday when I moved into the dorms, a guy was walking around in only a towel. He had nice shoulders.”
“God, I miss college.”
The sixteen miles are long and hard. When I first started running, I would get a great lead and then a metaphorical piano would fall on me, but I’ve learned to pace myself. I’m learning my limits.
Sometimes I have to slow down so Liza can catch her breath, and sometimes she does the same for me when the lactic acid buildup makes my legs burn. She needs to walk for five minutes between miles twelve and thirteen. My stomach feels better since I gave up the ibuprofen, but I still need to use the porta-potty twice. Liza waits for me outside each time—I think she appreciates the break from running. We stick together, and it makes me feel a little better knowing that, even at thirty-two, Liza hasn’t figured her life out yet.
Maybe you don’t have to figure life out at all.
Maybe it just is.
Marathon Training Schedule~Brown’s Race Co.
Name Annie Winters
Saturday
Distance
Notes
April 20
3 miles
I’m really doing this! Finish time 34:00
April 27
5 miles
Stupid Running Backwords Boy!!
May 4
6 miles
Blister from HELL
May 11
5 miles
Ran downtown Nashville
May 18
7 miles
Tripped on rock. Fell on my butt
May 25
8 miles
Came in 5 min. quicker than usual!
June 1
10 miles
Let’s just pretend this day never happened…
June 8
9 miles
Evil suicide sprint things. Ran w/ Liza. Got sick.
June 15
7 miles
Skipped Saturday’s run…had to make it up Sunday.
June 22
8 miles
Stomach hurt again. Matt said eat granola instead of oatmeal.