Jude the Obsure - Page 169/318

"Richard," she said all at once; "would you mind my living away from

you?"

"Away from me? Why, that's what you were doing when I married you.

What then was the meaning of marrying at all?"

"You wouldn't like me any the better for telling you."

"I don't object to know."

"Because I thought I could do nothing else. You had got my promise a

long time before that, remember. Then, as time went on, I regretted

I had promised you, and was trying to see an honourable way to break

it off. But as I couldn't I became rather reckless and careless

about the conventions. Then you know what scandals were spread, and

how I was turned out of the training school you had taken such time

and trouble to prepare me for and get me into; and this frightened

me and it seemed then that the one thing I could do would be to let

the engagement stand. Of course I, of all people, ought not to have

cared what was said, for it was just what I fancied I never did care

for. But I was a coward--as so many women are--and my theoretic

unconventionality broke down. If that had not entered into the case

it would have been better to have hurt your feelings once for all

then, than to marry you and hurt them all my life after... And you

were so generous in never giving credit for a moment to the rumour."

"I am bound in honesty to tell you that I weighed its probability and

inquired of your cousin about it."

"Ah!" she said with pained surprise.

"I didn't doubt you."

"But you inquired!"

"I took his word."

Her eyes had filled. "HE wouldn't have inquired!" she said.

"But you haven't answered me. Will you let me go away? I know how

irregular it is of me to ask it--"

"It is irregular."

"But I do ask it! Domestic laws should be made according to

temperaments, which should be classified. If people are at all

peculiar in character they have to suffer from the very rules that

produce comfort in others! ... Will you let me?"

"But we married--"

"What is the use of thinking of laws and ordinances," she burst out,

"if they make you miserable when you know you are committing no sin?"

"But you are committing a sin in not liking me."