Are you waiting for him? he asked. The way he said him held a treasures worth of resentment. Is that it?
I reached up and detached his hands from my shoulders, pushing them away firmly. Sit down. Now.
The now forced him to let go of me, walk the few steps to the bed, and sit down. He did it glaring the whole way. I turned back to the window and let his hate splash uselessly against my back.
Yes, I said. Im waiting for him.
A stunned pause. Youre in love with him. You werent before, but you are now. Arent you?
* * *
You resist the truth.
* * *
I considered the question.
In love with him? I said it slowly. The phrase felt strange when I thought about it, like a poem that has been read too often. In love with him.
* * *
Another memory preoccupies you.
* * *
I was surprised to hear real fear in Nahas voice. Dont be a fool. You dont know how often Ive woken up beside a corpse. If youre strong, you can resist him.
I know. Ive said no to him before.
Then Confusion.
I had a sudden epiphany as to what his life had been like: this other, unwanted Nahadoth. Every day a plaything of the Arameri. Every nightnot sleep but oblivion, as close to death as any mortal can come short of the event itself. No peace, no true rest. Every morning a chilling surprise: mysterious injuries. Dead lovers. And the soul-grinding knowledge that it would never, ever end.
Do you dream? I asked.
What?
Dream. At night, while youre within him. Do you?
Nahadoth frowned for a long moment, as if he was trying to figure out the trick in my question. Finally he said, No.
Not at all?
I have flashes, sometimes. He gestured vaguely, looking away from me. Memories, maybe. I dont know what they are.
I smiled, feeling sudden warmth toward him. He was like me. Two souls, or at least two selves, in a single body. Perhaps that was where the Enefadeh had gotten the idea.
You look tired, I said. You should get some sleep.
He frowned. No. I sleep enough at night
Sleep now, I said, and he crumpled onto his side so swiftly that I might have laughed under other circumstances. I walked over to the bed, lifted his legs onto it and arranged him for comfort, then knelt beside it, putting my mouth near his ear.
Have pleasant dreams, I commanded. The frown that had been on his face altered subtly, smoothing and softening.
Satisfied, I got to my feet and went back to the window, to wait.
* * *
Why cant I remember what happened next?
You are remembering
No, why cant I remember it now? As I talk through it, it comes back to me, but only then. Without that theres an empty space. A great dark hole.
You are remembering.
* * *
The instant the suns red curve sank below the horizon, the room shook, and with it the whole palace. This close, the vibration was powerful enough to make my teeth rattle. A line seemed to sweep the room, moving outward from behind me, and when this line passed, the room was darker. I waited, and when the hairs prickled on the back of my neck, I spoke. Good evening, Lord Nahadoth. Are you feeling better?
My only answer was a low, shuddering exhalation. The evening sky was still heavily stroked with sunlight, golds and reds and violets as deep as jewels. He was not himself yet.
I turned. He was sitting up. He still looked human, ordinary, but I could see his hair wafting around him, though there was no breeze. As I watched it thickened, lengthened, darkened, spinning itself into the cloak of night. Fascinating, and beautiful. He had averted his face from the lingering sunlight and did not see me approach until I was right there. Then he looked up, raising a hand as if to shield himself. From me? I wondered, and smiled.
The hand trembled as I watched. I took it, reassured by the cool dryness of his skin. (His skin was brown now, I noticed. My doing?) Beyond the hand his eyes watched me, black now, and unblinking. Unthinking, like those of a beast.
I cupped his cheek and willed him sane. He blinked, frowned slightly, then stared at me as his confusion cleared. His hand in mine became still.
When I judged the moment right, I let go his hand. Unfastened my blouse, and slipped it off my shoulders. I unhitched the skirt and let it fall, along with my underclothes. Naked, I waited, an offering.
24
If I Ask
AND THENTHEN
You remember.
No. No, I dont.
Why are you afraid?
I dont know.
Did he hurt you?
I dont remember!
You do. Think, child. I made you stronger than this. What were the sounds? The scents? What do the memories feel like?
Like like summer.
Yes. Humid, thick, those summertime nights. Did you knowthe earth absorbs all the days heat, and gives it back in the dark hours. All that energy just hovers in the air, waiting to be used. It slickens the skin. Open your mouth and it curls around your tongue.