Beulah - Page 241/348

"Yes, friends, but not companions. What congeniality is there

between those girls and myself? None. My isolation will be complete

when you leave me."

"Beulah, will you let me say what is in my heart?"

"Say it freely, my brown-eyed darling."

"Well, then, Beulah; give it up; give it up. It will only bow down

your heart with untold cares and sorrows."

"Give up what?"

"This combat with loneliness and poverty."

"I am not lonely," answered Beulah, with a wintry smile.

"Oh, Beulah! yes, you are; wretchedly lonely. I have been but a poor

companion for you; intellectually, you are far beyond me, and there

has been little congeniality in our tastes and pursuits. I have

always known this; and I know, too, that you never will be a happy

woman until you have a companion equal in intellect, who understands

and sympathizes with you. Ah, Beulah! with all your stubborn pride,

and will, and mental endowments, you have a woman's heart; and crush

its impulses as you may, it will yet assert its sway. As I told you

long ago, grammars, and geographies, and duty could not fill the

void in my heart; and, believe me, neither will metaphysics and

philosophy and literature satisfy you. Suppose you do attain

celebrity as a writer. Can the plaudits of strangers bring back to

your solitary hearth the loved dead, or cheer you in your hours of

gloom? I too am an orphan; I speak of what I can appreciate. You are

mistaken, Beulah, in thinking you can dispense with sympathy. You

are not sufficient for yourself, as you have so proudly maintained.

God has created us for companionship; it is a necessity of human

nature."

"Then why are you and I orphaned for all time?" asked Beulah coldly.

"The sablest clouds of sorrow have silver linings. Perhaps that you

and I might turn more continually to the God of orphans. Beulah, God

has not flooded earth with eternal sunlight. He knew that shadows

were needed to chasten the spirits of his children, and teach them

to look to him for the renewal of all blessings. But shadows are

fleeting, and every season of gloom has its morning star. Oh, I

thank God that his own hand arranged the chiaroscuro of earth!" She

spoke earnestly; the expression of her eyes told that her thoughts

had traveled into the dim, weird land of futurity. Beulah offered no

comment; but the gloom deepened on her brow and her white fingers

crept restlessly over the piano keys. After a moment's silence,

Clara continued: "I would not regret our separation so much if I left you in the

possession of Christian faith; armed with a perfect trust in the

religion of Jesus Christ. Oh, Beulah, it makes my heart ache when I

think of you, struggling so fiercely in the grasp of infidelity!

Many times have I seen the light shining beneath your door, long

after midnight, and wept over the conflict in which I knew you were

engaged; and only God knows how often I have mingled your name in my

prayers, entreating him to direct you in your search, to guide you

safely through the paths of skepticism, and place your weary feet

upon the 'rock of ages.' Oh, Beulah, do not make my prayers vain by

your continued questioning! Come back to Christ and the Bible."

Tears glided down her cheeks as she passed her arm round her friend,

and dropped her head on her shoulder. Beulah's eyelids trembled an

instant, but there was no moisture in the gray depths, as she

answered: "Thank you, Clara, for your interest. I am glad you have this faith

you would fain lead me to. Not for worlds would I unsettle it, even

if I could. You are comforted in your religion, and it is a

priceless blessing to you. But I am sincere, even in my skepticism.

I am honest; and God, if he sees my heart, sees that I am. I may be

an infidel, as you call me, but, if so, I am an honest one; and if

the Bible is all true, as you believe, God will judge my heart. But

I shall not always be skeptical; I shall find the truth yet. I know

it is a tedious journey I have set out on, and it may be my life

will be spent in the search; but what of that, if at last I attain

the goal? What if I only live to reach it? What will my life be to

me without it?"