Anna Karenina - Part 1 - Page 39/119

"You must understand," said he, "it's not love. I've been in

love, but it's not that. It's not my feeling, but a sort of

force outside me has taken possession of me. I went away, you

see, because I made up my mind that it could never be, you

understand, as a happiness that does not come on earth; but I've

struggled with myself, I see there's no living without it. And

it must be settled."

"What did you go away for?"

"Ah, stop a minute! Ah, the thoughts that come crowding on one!

The questions one must ask oneself! Listen. You can't imagine

what you've done for me by what you said. I'm so happy that I've

become positively hateful; I've forgotten everything. I heard

today that my brother Nikolay...you know, he's here...I had even

forgotten him. It seems to me that he's happy too. It's a sort

of madness. But one thing's awful.... Here, you've been

married, you know the feeling...it's awful that we--old--with a

past... not of love, but of sins...are brought all at once so

near to a creature pure and innocent; it's loathsome, and that's

why one can't help feeling oneself unworthy."

"Oh, well, you've not many sins on your conscience."

"Alas! all the same," said Levin, "when with loathing I go over

my life, I shudder and curse and bitterly regret it.... Yes."

"What would you have? The world's made so," said Stepan

Arkadyevitch.

"The one comfort is like that prayer, which I always liked:

'Forgive me not according to my unworthiness, but according to

Thy lovingkindness.' That's the only way she can forgive me."