"But I could not; you haunted me, dearest, all day and all night!
Sometimes, when the men were singing round the camp fire, singing and
laughing, the sense of my loss would come crushing down upon me, and
I'd spring to my feet and wander out into the starlit silence of the
vast plains and spend the night thinking of all that had passed between
us. At other times, a kind of madness would catch hold of me, and I'd
join the wildest of the gangs, and laugh and sing and drink with the
maddest of the lot."
She drew a long breath of comprehension and pity, and hid her eyes on
his breast. He bent and kissed her, murmuring penitently: "I'm not fit to kiss you, Ida. I did not mean to tell you, but--but, I
can't keep anything from you, even though it will go against me. One
night the drinking led to fighting and I stood up to a son of Anak, a
giant of a fellow; and we fought until both of us were knocked out; but
I remember him going down first, just before I fell, I went from bad to
worse. The owner of the run--it was called Salisbury Plain--spoke a
word of warning, and I tried to pull up, tried to take to the work
again, and forget myself in it; but--ah, well, dearest, thank God you
would not understand that you cannot know what a man is like when he is
at odds with fate, and is bed-fellow with despair!"
"Do I not!" she murmured again, with the fullest understanding and
compassion. "Do you think he is worse than a woman. On, Stafford, there
have been times, black times, when I learned to know why some women fly
to drink to drown their misery: and our misery is as keen, yes, keener
than yours. For we are so helpless, so shackled; we have nothing else
to do but think, think, think! Go on, dearest! I seem to see you
there!"
"Thank God! you could not!" he said, huskily. "The black fit passed for
a time, and I settled down to work again. One day there was an attack
upon the farm by the blacks, as they are called. I was fortunately at
home, and we managed to beat them off and save the stock. It was a
valuable one and my employer, thinking too highly of my services, made
me a present of half the value. It was a generous gift, a lavish one,
and altogether uncalled for--"
"Oh, Stafford, do you think I don't know that you risked your life, as
plainly as if I had been told, as if I had been there!" she said, her
eyes glowing, her breath coming faster.