It must be remembered, that, in all this time--amidst all my
agonies--my feelings of destitution and despair--I had few or no
doubts of the guilt of Julia Clifford. My sufferings arose from
the love which I had felt--the defeat of my hopes and fortune--the
long struggle of conflicting feelings, mortified pride, and disappointed
enjoyment. Excited by the melancholy spectacle before me--beholding
the form of her, once so beautiful--still so beautiful--whom I had
loved with such an absorbing passion--whom I could not cease to
love--suddenly cut off from life--her voice, which was so musical,
suddenly hushed for ever--the tides of her heart suddenly stopped--and
all the sweet waters of hope dried up in her bosom, and turned
into bitterness and blight in mine--the force of my feelings got
the better of my reason, and cruel and oppressive doubts of the
justness of her doom overpowered my soul.
But, with the subsiding
of my emotions, under the stern feeling of resolve which came to my
relief, and which my course of education enabled me to maintain,
my persuasions of her guilt were resumed, and I naturally recurred
to the conclusions which had originally justified me to myself, in
inflicting the awful punishment of death upon her. But I was soon
to be deprived of this justification--to be subjected to the terrible
recoil of all my feelings of justice, love, honor and manliness,
in the new and overwhelming conviction, not only that I had
been premature, but that she was innocent!--innocent, equally of
thought and deed, which could incur tire reproach of impurity, or
the punishment of guilt.
Three days had elapsed after her burial, when I re-opened and
re-appeared in my office. I did not re-open it with any intention
to resume my business. That was impossible in a place, where, at
every movement, the grave of my victim rose, always green, in my
sight. My purpose was to put my papers in order transfer them to
other parties, dispose of my effects, and depart with Kingsley to
the new countries, of which he had succeeded in impressing upon
me some of his own opinions. Not that these furnished for me any
attractions. I was not persuaded by any customary arguments held
out to the ambitious and the enterprising. It was a matter of small
moment to me where I went, so that I left the present scene of my
misery and over-throw. In determining to accompany him to Texas,
no part of my resolve was influenced by the richness of its soil,
or the greatness of its probable destinies. These, though important
in the eyes of my friend, were as nothing in mine. In taking that
route my object was simply, TO GO WITH HIM. He had sympathized with
me, after a rough fashion of his own, the sincerity of which was
more dear to me than the rougbress was repulsive. He had witnessed
my cares--he knew my guilt and my griefs--this knowledge endeared
him to me more strongly than ever, and made him now more necessary
to my affections than any other living object.