There were other circumstances to alarm me, in connection with this
maiden. She was, as I have said, singularly beautiful; and, as I
thought, until now, singularly meek and considerate. Her charms,
about which there could bo no two opinions, readily secured her
numerous admirers, and when these were strengthened by the supposed
fortune of which she was to be the heiress, the suitors were, some
of them, almost as pressing, after the fashion of the world in
which we lived, as those of Penelope. I now no longer secured her
exclusive regard at the evening fireside or in our way to church.
There were gallants on either hand--gay, dashing lads, with
big whiskers, long locks, and smart ratans, upon whom madame, our
lady-mother, looked with far more complacency than upon me. The
course of Julia, herself, was, however, unexceptionable. She was
singularly cautious in her deportment, and, if reserved to me.
the most jealous scrutiny--after due reflection--never enabled me
to discover that she was more lavish of her regards to any other.
But the discovery of her position led me to another discovery which
the reader will wonder, as I did myself, that I had not made before.
This was the momentous discovery that my heart was irretrievably
lost to her--that I loved her with all the intensity of a first
passion, which, like every other passion in my heart, was absorbing
during its prevalence. I could name my feelings to myself only when
I perceived that such feelings were entertained by others;--only
when I found that the prize, which I desired beyond all others,
was likely to be borne away by strangers, did I know how much it
was desirable to myself.
The discovery of this affection instantly produced its natural
effects as well upon my deportment as upon my feelings; and that
sleepless spirit of suspicion and doubt--that true creature and
consequence of the habitual distrust which my treatment from boyhood
had instilled into my mind--at once rose to strength and authority
within me, and swayed me even as the blasts of November sway the
bald tops of the slender trees which the gusts have already denuded
of all foliage. The change in Julia's deportment, of which I have
already spoken, increased the febrile fears and suspicions which
filled my soul and overcame my judgment. She too--so I fancied--had
learned to despise and dislike me, under the goading influences of
her father's malice and her mother's silly prejudices. I jumped to
the conclusion instantly, that I was bound to my self to assert my
superiority, my pride and independence, in such a manner, as most
effectually to satisfy all parties that their hate or love was
equally a matter of indifference.
You may judge what my behavior was after this. For a time, at least,
it was sufficiently unbecoming. The deportment of Julia grew more
reserved than ever, and her looks more grave. There was a sadness
evidently mingled with this gravity which, amid all the blindness
of my heart, I could not help but see. She became sadder and
thinner every day; and there was a wo-begone listlessness about her
looks and movements which began to give me pain and apprehension.
I discovered, too after a while, that some apprehensions had also
crept into the minds of her parents in respect to her health. Their
looks were frequently addressed to her in evident anxiety. They
restrained her exercises, watched the weather when she proposed
to go abroad, strode in every way to keep her from fatigue and
exposure; and, altogether, exhibited a degree of solicitude which
at length had the effect of arousing mine.