I wish to God I knew.
She will never marry me unless I give my word of honour that the thing
will only be an empty ceremony--of that I feel sure even if
circumstances aid me to force her into doing this much. And then one has
to keep one's word of honour. And might not that be a greater hell than
I am now in of suffering?
Perhaps I had better go to the sea--like Suzette--and try to break the
whole chain and forget her--.
I rang the bell for Burton then, and told him of my new plan, as he put
me to bed. We would go off to St. Malo,--for a week, and I gave orders
that he should make the necessary arrangements to get permits. To travel
anywhere now is no end of a difficulty.
I wrote to Alathea without weakening--I asked her to collect the Mss.
and make notes of what she thought still should be altered--during my
absence--I wrote as stiffly, and in as business like a manner as
possible--and finally I went to sleep, and slept better than I have done
for some time.
* * * * *
St. Malo: How quaint these places are! I am at this deserted corner by the
sea--where the hotel is comfortable, and hardly touched by the war--I am
not happy--the air is doing me good, that is all--I have brought
books--I am not trying to write--I just read and endeavor to sleep--and
the hours pass. I tell myself continually that I am no more interested
in Alathea--that I am going to get well, and go back to England--that I
have emerged, and am a man with a free will once more--and I am a great
deal better--.
After all, how absurd to be thinking of a woman, from morning to night!
When I get my new leg, and everything is all healed, up in a year or
two, shall I be able to ride again?--Of course I shall, no doubt, and
even play a little tennis?--I can shoot anyway--if we will be allowed to
preserve partridges and pheasants when the war is over in England.
Yes, of course life is a gorgeous thing--I like the fierce wind to blow
in my face--and yesterday, much to Burton's displeasure, I went out
sailing--.
How could I be such a fool, he inferred--as to chance a wrench putting
me back some months again--But one has to chance things occasionally. I
never enjoyed a sail more because of this very knowledge.
* * * * *
A week has passed since we came to this end of the earth--and again I
have grown restless--perhaps it is because Burton came in just now with
a letter in his hand--. I recognized immediately Alathea's writing.