"Yes, but I love her," thought Yourii, for the first time, and it was
this idea that banished all others, even bringing tears to his eyes.
But in another moment he was asking himself with a bitter smile, "Why,
then, did I make love to other women, before her? True, I did not know
of her existence, yet neither did Riasantzeff know of Lialia. At that
time we both thought that the woman whom we desired to possess was the
real, the sole, the indispensable one. We were wrong then; perhaps we
are wrong now. It comes to this, that we must either remain perpetually
chaste, or else enjoy absolute sexual liberty, allowing women, of
course, to do the same. Now, after all, Riasantzeff is not to blame for
having loved other women before Lialia, but because he still carries on
with several; and that is not what I do."
The thought made Yourii feel very proud and pure, but only for a
moment, for he suddenly recollected his seductive vision of sweet,
supple girls in sunlight. He was utterly overwhelmed. His mind became a
chaos of conflicting thoughts.
Finding it uncomfortable to lie on his right side, he awkwardly turned
over on to his left. "The fact is," he thought, "not one of all the
women I have known could ever satisfy me for the whole of my life.
Thus, what I have called true love is impossible, not to be realized;
and to dream of such a thing is sheer folly."
Feeling just as uncomfortable when lying on his left side, he turned
over again, restless and perspiring, beneath the hot coverlet; and now
his head ached.
"Chastity is an ideal, but, to realize this, humanity would perish.
Therefore, it is folly. And life? what is life but folly too?" He
almost uttered the words in a loud voice, grinding his teeth with such
fury that yellow stars flashed before his eyes.
So, till morning, he tossed from side to side, his heart and brain
heavy with despairing thoughts. At last, to escape from them, he sought
to persuade himself that he too, was a depraved, sensual egoist, and
that his scruples were but the outcome of hidden lust. Yet this only
depressed him the more, and relief was finally obtained by the simple
question: "Why, after all, do I torment myself in this way?"
Disgusted at all such futile processes of self-examination, Yourii,
nerveless and exhausted, finally fell asleep.