I was now a single person again, as I may call myself; I was loosed
from all the obligations either of wedlock or mistress-ship in the
world, except my husband the linen-draper, whom, I having not now heard
from in almost fifteen years, nobody could blame me for thinking myself
entirely freed from; seeing also he had at his going away told me, that
if I did not hear frequently from him, I should conclude he was dead,
and I might freely marry again to whom I pleased.
I now began to cast up my accounts. I had by many letters and much
importunity, and with the intercession of my mother too, had a second
return of some goods from my brother (as I now call him) in Virginia,
to make up the damage of the cargo I brought away with me, and this too
was upon the condition of my sealing a general release to him, and to
send it him by his correspondent at Bristol, which, though I thought
hard of, yet I was obliged to promise to do. However, I managed so
well in this case, that I got my goods away before the release was
signed, and then I always found something or other to say to evade the
thing, and to put off the signing it at all; till at length I pretended
I must write to my brother, and have his answer, before I could do it.
Including this recruit, and before I got the last #50, I found my
strength to amount, put all together, to about #400, so that with that
I had about #450. I had saved above #100 more, but I met with a
disaster with that, which was this--that a goldsmith in whose hands I
had trusted it, broke, so I lost #70 of my money, the man's composition
not making above #30 out of his #100. I had a little plate, but not
much, and was well enough stocked with clothes and linen.
With this stock I had the world to begin again; but you are to consider
that I was not now the same woman as when I lived at Redriff; for,
first of all, I was near twenty years older, and did not look the
better for my age, nor for my rambles to Virginia and back again; and
though I omitted nothing that might set me out to advantage, except
painting, for that I never stooped to, and had pride enough to think I
did not want it, yet there would always be some difference seen between
five-and-twenty and two-and-forty.
I cast about innumerable ways for my future state of life, and began to
consider very seriously what I should do, but nothing offered. I took
care to make the world take me for something more than I was, and had
it given out that I was a fortune, and that my estate was in my own
hands; the last of which was very true, the first of it was as above.
I had no acquaintance, which was one of my worst misfortunes, and the
consequence of that was, I had no adviser, at least who could assist
and advise together; and above all, I had nobody to whom I could in
confidence commit the secret of my circumstances to, and could depend
upon for their secrecy and fidelity; and I found by experience, that to
be friendless is the worst condition, next to being in want that a
woman can be reduced to: I say a woman, because 'tis evident men can
be their own advisers, and their own directors, and know how to work
themselves out of difficulties and into business better than women; but
if a woman has no friend to communicate her affairs to, and to advise
and assist her, 'tis ten to one but she is undone; nay, and the more
money she has, the more danger she is in of being wronged and deceived;
and this was my case in the affair of the #100 which I left in the
hands of the goldsmith, as above, whose credit, it seems, was upon the
ebb before, but I, that had no knowledge of things and nobody to
consult with, knew nothing of it, and so lost my money.