It was a misfortune to him, trifle as it might have been to another.
For, while all that was hard and stern in his recollection, remained
Reality on being proved--was obdurate to the sight and touch, and
relaxed nothing of its old indomitable grimness--the one tender
recollection of his experience would not bear the same test, and melted
away. He had foreseen this, on the former night, when he had dreamed
with waking eyes, but he had not felt it then; and he had now.
He was a dreamer in such wise, because he was a man who had, deep-rooted
in his nature, a belief in all the gentle and good things his life had
been without. Bred in meanness and hard dealing, this had rescued him
to be a man of honourable mind and open hand. Bred in coldness and
severity, this had rescued him to have a warm and sympathetic heart.
Bred in a creed too darkly audacious to pursue, through its process of
reserving the making of man in the image of his Creator to the making of
his Creator in the image of an erring man, this had rescued him to judge
not, and in humility to be merciful, and have hope and charity.
And this saved him still from the whimpering weakness and cruel
selfishness of holding that because such a happiness or such a virtue
had not come into his little path, or worked well for him, therefore
it was not in the great scheme, but was reducible, when found in
appearance, to the basest elements. A disappointed mind he had, but a
mind too firm and healthy for such unwholesome air. Leaving himself in
the dark, it could rise into the light, seeing it shine on others and
hailing it. Therefore, he sat before his dying fire, sorrowful to think upon the way
by which he had come to that night, yet not strewing poison on the way
by which other men had come to it. That he should have missed so much,
and at his time of life should look so far about him for any staff to
bear him company upon his downward journey and cheer it, was a just
regret.
He looked at the fire from which the blaze departed, from which
the afterglow subsided, in which the ashes turned grey, from which they
dropped to dust, and thought, 'How soon I too shall pass through such
changes, and be gone!' To review his life was like descending a green tree in fruit and flower,
and seeing all the branches wither and drop off, one by one, as he came
down towards them. 'From the unhappy suppression of my youngest days, through the rigid and
unloving home that followed them, through my departure, my long exile,
my return, my mother's welcome, my intercourse with her since, down to
the afternoon of this day with poor Flora,' said Arthur Clennam, 'what
have I found!' His door was softly opened, and these spoken words startled him, and
came as if they were an answer: 'Little Dorrit.'