I know one thing for sure; I need to get out of this house. I need to forget this and get out of my own head.
This is what’s best for us. She needs to find a guy that will be able to give her the world and not be stuck in the past. She deserves much more then I can give her. She’s right, I am stuck in the past so what else could I give her? I couldn’t possibly give her a future.
Right?
15
“Don’t fight me baby.”
My body wants me to move. It’s begging me to. I try to turn my head away from the voice. It’s no use I can’t move it.
What is happening to me? Why can’t I move?
I feel warm, sweaty, hands sliding up my sides, and then I’m being held up by my neck and now my shirt is gone. I can’t feel anything, it’s all numb. This is wrong, all wrong.
“I’m going to make you feel so good.”
This can’t be happening. I have to do something. I have to fight. I have to…I don’t know. I’ve been here before, I live this over and over again but each time something feels different, as if it’s playing out differently.
“Play nice and I’ll make this real good for you.” I’ve heard these words before, the same disgusting tone scratches at my skin like sharp nails.
I want to spit in his face, fight him, kick and scream and hope for my will to give me the strength.
And then I hear him, he’s coming, he’s here for me.
“Cooper!”
My own screaming wakes me up from yet another nightmare; it’s the same one over and over again and I can’t shake it. I’m panting and sweating as fear courses through my body. It’s on my skin like a sticky substance that I can’t get off, as if it’s a reminder that night is tattooed on me.
I need the light so I sit up and reach over to turn on the lamp that’s next to by my bed. The light casts a light glow over my bedroom, the grey walls matching my mood perfectly. But the grey only reminds me of Cooper’s grey blue eyes and the fact that he’s not here. Running my hands through my hair, I attempt to work on calming my erratic heartbeat and breathing.
It was just a dream Jay, it’s not reality.
I hear my mom’s footsteps walking down the hall towards my room and then she taps on my door. Damn it, I woke her up again.
Groaning, I flop back down against my bed and throw my arm over my eyes. “I’m fine, Mom.”
My door creaks open. She wasn’t about to let it go. “Honey, you’re not fine. This has been going on for two weeks now. If you can’t tell me what’s going on, you have to talk to someone. Enough is enough.” She’s not mad she’s just really concerned. She has every right to be and I can’t blame her. If this was my daughter, I would be the same way.
The bed dips as my mom takes a seat on the foot of it. I blink away the tears before removing my arm so that I can look over at her. Her eyes, the same ones that match mine, look tired and worried, just like I am. Every night since sleeping in my own bed after my fight with Cooper, I’ve had nightmares - they’re back with a vengeance. It’s like being away from him has taken away any comfort I had. It feels like there’s a monster under my bed and it knows I’m finally alone, free to grab my arms and legs from under the bed.
“I’m fine, Mom.” I lie, to her and myself. “I promise.”
She reaches out but stops herself short. She wants to comfort me but after the first nightmare that she woke up to she knows she needs to give me my space. She tried to pull me into her arms but the feel of her skin against mine freaked me out and I started thrashing my arms and legs trying to get away. “Honey, you are far from fine. You used to be able to talk to me about everything.” Mom yawns, but it’s not enough that she lets me be. “Nothing has changed, Honey. I’ll always be here for you but you’ve got to talk to me, Jaylinn, tell me what’s going on. Does your brother know anything?”
I shake my head, cringing at the thought of how he would react if he ever found out. Hunter would absolutely lose his shit. “No, Mom. No one knows anything except Cooper, and right now I want it to stay that way.”
Mom sighs; I can tell it hurts her that I won’t talk to her. “Honey…,”
“Not tonight, Mom.” I swallow hard, trying to give myself the courage to push her away. “We’ll talk, just not tonight, okay? Go back to bed and we’ll talk about it later.”
Her shoulders slump in defeat and it hurts that I’ve made her feel this way. “Alright.” She leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. I try not to flinch away but if I did, Mom didn’t let on.
I roll onto my side to face the light, too afraid to turn it off. I grab my phone to check the time, it’s a little after five in the morning. At least I slept a little longer tonight than I have been lately. I never used to have nightmares this badly before. I found that if I exhausted myself enough throughout the day that I would sleep through the night by myself. If Cooper was home and I was wrapped up in his arms, warm and safe, they barely ever came either.
I click on the photo gallery icon on my phone and swipe through. Most nights this seems to calm me down. It’s like flashes of all the good times that Cooper and I used to have together. It’s kind of torture but those were the good memories and the only ones I want to hold on to. I want good memories, not the tainted ones that my brain and the monsters under my bed are holding me to.
I stop on one of my favorite pictures of us. We were in Seaside two summers ago, before things changed between us, walking on the boardwalk.
I was jumping up and down like a little kid, “Cooper, take me on the Sky Ride.”
Cooper looked at me like I had lost my mind; he looked to the ride and back at me. He said something but with the sound of a little girl walking by crying I didn’t hear him. Before I even understood what he had said Cooper was running towards the entrance of the ride. I ran after him and beat him by a hair.
He throws his arm around my shoulders, “Since you won, you pick the color seat.”
“Oh wow,” I say playfully.
The ride operator cocked an eyebrow at Cooper.
“Well, come on.” Cooper coaxed.
“Pink.”
The operator rolled his eyes because we were now holding up his line. After two benches go by a pink one rounds the corner. Cooper and I are standing where the operator instructed. The bench hits the back of our legs and we sit down.
Cooper hands the operator some cash, his eyes never leaving mine the whole time. “Thanks man.”