“And I don’t know that you could afford me.”
Something melted in his gaze, in his expression, and her heart softened. Any more of that and the mushy organ wouldn’t be of much use to her. “Now, that might be a legitimate concern,” he said. “I don’t know if I can afford you now, but I’m damn sure gonna break the bank trying.”
She was hoping to not have one more reason to love him, because he was enticing her to leave everything she’d ever known and insinuate herself fully into his life. It was thrilling and terrifying, and if there could only be one thing to make her want to hang on to her former self, she thought maybe she could resist his all-consuming allure.
But, no. He took her home to his apartment, and she found she even loved where he lived. Her community was silent and dull, mostly parents and working professionals who wanted it quiet at all times. She rarely saw any of her neighbors—except for the ones who kept her entertained most nights with the sounds of their sexual escapades, of course; it seemed she was always running into them. Usually she was too embarrassed to look them in the eyes.
They hadn’t been at Brian’s apartment twenty minutes when some of his neighbors stopped by to invite them to a get-together in the courtyard by the pool. Brian declined, but she liked the whole atmosphere of the place: laid-back, easy-going fun. She’d lay bets no one here was going to snap your head off if you wanted to play your music a little loud one night. Even now, the muffled sounds of the party could be heard below.
Brian’s place was neat and sparse, a typical bachelor pad, she imagined. Not that she had been in any of those. He had the essential furniture and lots of toys: HD flat, X-Box, Wii, awesome computer set-up, a massive stereo system.
Several pieces of abstract artwork covered his walls, along with some bizarre surrealist pieces that looked like they could’ve been done by H. R. Giger. It wasn’t until she peeked in one of the two bedrooms and saw his makeshift art studio and the work on the easel that she realized most of the art on the walls—here and at his parlor—must be his. The same style, despite the nuances.
He looked so modest when she told him how much she loved it. And when she asked if he could paint something for her, he wordlessly took her hand and led her back in the room.
“Something I did a few days ago,” he said, riffling through several canvases stacked against one wall. “I just…had to.”
What he pulled out then made her lose her breath. It was her. Her face, laughing with her chin in her hands, sketched out with charcoal in a way she could only describe as…loving. Meticulous. She found herself glancing around the room to see if he had a picture of her somewhere that she wasn’t aware of.
“It looks so much like me. It’s…beautiful. I mean, it’s a beautiful drawing, not that I’m beautiful—”
“Stop that. You are beautiful.”
“You did this a few days ago?”
“Yeah.”
While they hadn’t been speaking. He’d drawn it and then hidden it from his sight. Trying to exorcise her from his mind? She brought trembling fingers to her lips. “And…you didn’t have a picture of me for reference?”
“This is how you looked at me once when I was still with Michelle, when I said something undoubtedly stupid I can’t even remember now. I just know the way you laughed at me stuck in my head and I couldn’t get it out. Your face is so clear in my mind, Candace, I could sketch it in my sleep.”
“Please don’t hide this away anymore,” she said, hearing how tiny her voice sounded and hating it. Her eyes were burning.
“I won’t. I haven’t been home since seeing you yesterday morning, and everything that’s happened in between… I’ll hang it over my bed, if you don’t have any problems with that. Initially I was going to paint it, but I think I like it just like this.”
“It’s perfect. I don’t care if it’s in the bathroom. It needs to be on display.”
He burst out laughing. “Come on, help me put it up. I hate trying to hang shit without someone there telling me if it’s straight or not.”
What started as a playful endeavor ended with them on his bed in the quiet dark afterward, the moonlight falling across them in slats as it shone through the blinds. He stole her breath away, loving her so slowly and gently she was a quivering mess of helpless adoration for him. For every move he made, every breath he took as he was deep inside her body, she fell further. He was almost troublingly silent; the only sounds in the room were her sighs and moans and the sounds of their joining, the shuddering of his breath.
“Brian,” she whispered, turning her face toward the window as he trailed his warm lips down her throat. Outside she could see the pale orb of the moon through the blinds, could hear the party still going on down below. His hand swept under the back of her knee, pulling her leg high on his hip so that he could go deeper in one long, slow thrust that left her gasping.
“What is it, sunshine,” he whispered back.
Tears leaked from her eyes, trickling down through her hair spread out on his pillow. “I’m so scared.”
“Don’t be. I’m here. It’s all going to be okay. Don’t run away from me. Don’t shut me out.”
“I’m scared because I’m losing myself and I can’t shut you out.”
“That’s a good thing, sweetheart. That’s good. Oh, God, Candace…”
Was it good that she was so stripped bare for him? He held more power to hurt her than anyone else in her life right now.
His movements were becoming more disorganized, lost to passion, his breathing more ragged. She half-heartedly tried to fight the sensations building around his possession of her, not wanting to give him any more, needing to hang on to something of herself, but it was no use. The more she fought, the more she lost, until she was drowning with him in fierce, dark waves of ecstasy.
He groaned and throbbed inside her, once, twice, buried so deep she could hardly breathe. Despite being sore and sensitive from the past couple of days, she couldn’t resist him, couldn’t deny him when he wanted her. Everything about this encounter had been tender and comforting, as if he realized she needed that from him right now. It had only gutted her all the more.
“You feel so good,” he murmured, holding her close as she shivered through aftershocks. “Don’t be afraid anymore. We’re done with that.”
Wrapping her arms tight around him, she buried her face in his shoulder, pressing against his warmth. “I feel safe with you, safe from everything except you. If I make one wrong move, I can lose this. Lose my shelter. This isn’t how I wanted to save myself.”
He lifted his head, but she couldn’t see much of his expression. His hand was exquisitely gentle as it smoothed the hair back from her forehead. “I don’t know why you think you have to do everything with no help from anyone,” he said softly. “You have people who love you. Lean on us. All of us. You don’t have to be alone. You’re not.”
“I’ve only ever leaned on someone, and look where it’s gotten me.”
“Don’t let them destroy the trust you have. Don’t let them taint what you feel for me. I couldn’t stand that, for us to be so close to having it all, only to lose it because of them. You would only be letting them win.”