HIGGINS [kissing her] I know, mother. I came on purpose.
MRS. HIGGINS. But you mustn't. I'm serious, Henry. You offend all my
friends: they stop coming whenever they meet you.
HIGGINS. Nonsense! I know I have no small talk; but people don't mind.
[He sits on the settee].
MRS. HIGGINS. Oh! don't they? Small talk indeed! What about your large
talk? Really, dear, you mustn't stay.
HIGGINS. I must. I've a job for you. A phonetic job.
MRS. HIGGINS. No use, dear. I'm sorry; but I can't get round your
vowels; and though I like to get pretty postcards in your patent
shorthand, I always have to read the copies in ordinary writing you so
thoughtfully send me.
HIGGINS. Well, this isn't a phonetic job.
MRS. HIGGINS. You said it was.
HIGGINS. Not your part of it. I've picked up a girl.
MRS. HIGGINS. Does that mean that some girl has picked you up?
HIGGINS. Not at all. I don't mean a love affair.
MRS. HIGGINS. What a pity!
HIGGINS. Why?
MRS. HIGGINS. Well, you never fall in love with anyone under
forty-five. When will you discover that there are some rather
nice-looking young women about?
HIGGINS. Oh, I can't be bothered with young women. My idea of a
loveable woman is something as like you as possible. I shall never get
into the way of seriously liking young women: some habits lie too deep
to be changed. [Rising abruptly and walking about, jingling his money
and his keys in his trouser pockets] Besides, they're all idiots.
MRS. HIGGINS. Do you know what you would do if you really loved me,
Henry?
HIGGINS. Oh bother! What? Marry, I suppose?
MRS. HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of your
pockets. [With a gesture of despair, he obeys and sits down again].
That's a good boy. Now tell me about the girl.
HIGGINS. She's coming to see you.
MRS. HIGGINS. I don't remember asking her.
HIGGINS. You didn't. I asked her. If you'd known her you wouldn't have
asked her.
MRS. HIGGINS. Indeed! Why?
HIGGINS. Well, it's like this. She's a common flower girl. I picked her
off the kerbstone.
MRS. HIGGINS. And invited her to my at-home!
HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, that'll be all
right. I've taught her to speak properly; and she has strict orders as
to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the weather and
everybody's health--Fine day and How do you do, you know--and not to
let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.
MRS. HIGGINS. Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides!
perhaps about our outsides! How could you be so silly, Henry?