She sucked in her breath quickly and then let it escape in a relieved sigh when she realized it was Josh.
“You startled me,” she said. “I didn’t know you were there.”
Josh towered over her, gazing down at her with those unreadable gray eyes. The shock of red hair on the top of his head was unruly, as if he had been running his fingers through it. When he spoke, his voice was low and tense.
“Are you sure about this, Carmen? It’s not too late to change your mind.”
Carmen frowned. “Why does everyone wonder if I’m doing the right thing? What is it that you dislike about Alex?”
Josh shook his head. “I don’t dislike Alex – even if he did steal you from me.”
“He didn’t steal me from you.”
“Yeah,” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “Well, whatever. It’s not Alex that I’m concerned about. It’s you. I don’t want you to make a mistake. I never thought you’d marry a man who couldn’t give you children. I can’t figure you.”
Carmen shrugged. “I love him. It’s as simple as that. I want to grow old with him.”
He leaned against the wall with one shoulder and gazed down at her. “I always thought you wanted to grow old with me. I thought your children would be mine – or was it only me who wanted that so badly?”
Carmen took a step back and reached for the door. “Don’t, Josh.”
His gaze softened. “Don’t? Who’s going to take you up to the mountain now?” The right side of his lip lifted in distain. “Have you gone there with him yet? My guess is, no. He’d laugh at you.”
She lifted her chin and glared at him.
“No he wouldn’t.”
His eyes flashed triumph.
“Then you haven’t told him.”
Her fingers closed around the screen door handle.
“It’s personal, that’s all. After we’re married . . .”
He grabbed her arm. It didn’t hurt, but his grip was tight enough to be uncomfortable.
“After you’re married he’ll think you deceived him. Have you ever thought of that?”
She jerked her arm from his hand. “I haven’t told him yet because he’d worry about me going up there alone.”
His smile was wry. “Or because you and I went there so often.”
“We didn’t go there that often.” When he made no attempt to reclaim her arm, she continued. “Obviously you thought it was a little eccentric, though, or you wouldn’t assume he would see it that way.”
He snorted. “Eccentric? More like childish. But I understand why you did it. He won’t. I warned you about him.” He jammed his hands into his pants pockets. You saved yourself for a man who would crawl into bed with a woman on the first date. Doesn’t that bother you? Do you think he’ll be as tolerant of your principles as I am?”
The words twisted her heart into a ball. He didn’t take her up on the hill because he understood. He took her there for the same reason he sacrificed so much else for her. It made him feel good to think she needed him.
She met his gaze with as much determination as she could muster.
“Stop it, Josh. What Alex did before we became engaged is none of my business. I don’t want to know. Waiting until after marriage is following my morals, not his.”
He sneered. “And you wouldn’t think of pushing your morals down someone else’s throat.”
She met his gaze steadily. “If I have offended you or anyone with my morals, I’m sorry. But that doesn’t mean I have to abandon them.”
His expression softened. “You haven’t offended me. I just wish . . .” He shook his head. “I love . . . loved you so much, Carmen. If he ever hurts you, just remember. I’ll be there for you.”
“Thank you,” she said, and left him there.
In what capacity would he be there for her? It was an ugly thought, but she couldn’t shake loose the idea that he would drop Lori if things didn’t work out with Alex. No matter what happened to his relationship or hers, there was no going back now. Surely he knew that. Maybe she was being vain. In any case, she couldn’t . . . wouldn’t, let him walk her up the mountain again. She’d tell Alex in due time, but the time was not now.
After thanking Mums, Carmen returned to the truck and waited while Alex opened the door for her. He paused before shutting it.
“What did Josh want?”
She stiffened and avoided his gaze. “Nothing. He just wanted to play big brother.”
Alex grimaced as he shut the door. His step was brisk as he walked around to the other side, but when he climbed into the truck, his expression was bland.
As he maneuvered the truck through muddy ruts in the drive, she covertly studied his profile. The phrase ‘mature male’ rattled around in her thoughts. He was that. Did he think of her as a mature female? Probably not. A feeling of disappointment welled up for a moment, but she pushed it away.
Alex’s deep voice interrupted her thoughts.
“You’re quiet this evening. Did someone say something to upset you?”
“No, I was just thinking.”
He neared the intersection where the road branched to her house and his. “Where do you want to put the gifts?”
She glanced at him. “At your place, I guess. There’s no point in moving them twice.”
“Our house,” he corrected.
“We’re not married yet, so it’s still your house.”
It wasn’t intended as an argument – simply setting the record straight. Alex glanced at her, his expression quizzical.
“Tired?”
“Exhausted. I don’t know why I’m so tired. I haven’t done enough work today to justify my existence.” She sighed heavily.
“I think you’re missing the goats,” Alex said as he maneuvered the last turn to his house.
“Maybe – or maybe I just don’t know what to do with all that time. I’ve cleaned the chicken house and . . . I don’t know. Maybe I should get a job.”
He hesitated. “Well, if you want to, but you’ll have plenty to do after we’re married - and I was looking forward to having you home.” He pulled into the yard, put the truck in park and turned off the engine.
Selling the dairy goats had erased a part of her identity. Getting married would erase her name as well. For a moment the idea of totally losing her identity was a frightening reality. Her life was going to change when they married. Actually, it already had to a degree. She was becoming more dependent on him.
Pushing the thought from her mind, she released her seat belt and opened the door without waiting for him. Scrambling down out of the cab, she reached in the back for one of the boxes.
Alex dropped to the ground. “I’ll get them,” he said. “I’ll put them on the porch and you can take them in the house if you want to.”
Unable to resist, she lifted a box and carried it to the door on her way in. After Alex unlocked the door and opened it for her, he went back for the rest of the boxes. As he brought the boxes to the porch, she carried them inside. There were so many things – things they didn’t need, but appreciated all the same.
Once all the boxes were in the house, he turned to her. “I’ll put them up later – or you can when you’re here next – or we can together . . .”
It wasn’t like him to flounder over small decisions. He gazed down at her in the dimming light, his expression readable for once. It was pure desire. The words “mature male” crossed her mind again. If she refused him, would he find satisfaction somewhere else? Desire was burning the circuits of her mind as well. What she wanted to do right now was stay the night. And why not? No one seemed to think there was any reason for them to wait. In fact, some would never believe they had waited. Why miss out on the magic of tonight? The moon was full, the temperature cool for early August.
Dragging her mind kicking and screaming back from desire, she sighed.
“I’d better go.”
“Well, if you’re tired.” He reached into his pocket for the truck keys.
“No, I’ll walk,” she said.
“Walk? You can’t walk. It’s dark.”
She smiled up at him. “It isn’t dark yet. In any case, I’ve walked that path many times from or to the creek at night.”
“It’s not safe. There could be a snake.”
She turned to the door, ignoring the internal voice that begged her to spend the night at his home.
“There could be a snake in the daylight.”
“Yes, but you could see it then.” He followed her to the door and onto the porch, snapping on the light.
“Carmen,” his voice was stern. “Don’t walk across there.”
“I can still see.” She kept walking and he followed. Finally he caught up with her and swung her around. Grabbing her shoulders, he stared down at her.
“Why are you doing this?”
Why? Because if she stayed with him any longer, she might be sorry in the morning. Why couldn’t a mature male understand that without being told?
His hands slid off her shoulders and down to her arms.
“Josh said something to upset you, didn’t he?”
“No,” she said.
“Then what?” His warm hands on her arms did wild things to her pulse.
If she needed to start talking to him about intimate things, this was a good one. While they were dating, it had seemed wise to avoid making him aware of her desire for him. With only two weeks remaining before their wedding, that was a mute issue. If he was going to take advantage of her, he certainly would have done it before now.
She met his perplexed gaze, her face growing warm.
“If I stay any longer, I’m afraid I might not go home tonight.”
Comprehension washed the confusion from his face. The smile started as a twinkle in his eyes and spread to his lips. As they broadened into a smile, a large dimple appeared in the upper part of his right cheek.
“Well, don’t,” he said.
She gazed up at him. “I’ll be sorry tomorrow, and I don’t ever want to be sorry about time I spent with you.”
One dark brow lifted. “Well put.” He stepped over to the truck and opened the door. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
“I can walk. It’s not far.”
“Don’t be stubborn.” His voice was soft, but the tone was firm.
She climbed into the truck and remained silent until they got to her house. Opening the door, she slid out of the truck, thankful that he didn’t get out of the truck or try to assist. For a moment she paused, gazing up at him. Was he angry? Was she being a prude?
“Thank you,” she said.
“You’re welcome.” He gazed down at her, his expression difficult to see in the fading light. Finally he spoke, his voice soft and controlled.
“You’d better go inside, sweetheart.”
She shut the door firmly and walked away. The truck lights stayed on the door while she unlocked it, and for several minutes after she was inside with the door closed. For a few minutes she was afraid he would come to the door, but finally the truck turned around and left the yard. Watching the house on the hill from the kitchen window, she knew a moment of regret when his lean silhouette disappeared into his house. The lights went out and the night was stark. She stood in the darkness for a long time, and then finally went to bed.
He didn’t even try to take advantage of her, nor did he think she was being immature. He seemed to understand so much. Maybe he’d understand about the place on the mountain. Dad did.