“I love you.” I woke up to those words coming from Ethan’s lips. I was back on the couch, but this time I was lying down. Ethan was on his knees on the floor stroking over my head and hair with a whole lot of concern in his eyes. “You’re back . . .” Ethan closed his eyes then opened them again. He looked pretty shaken up, probably a lot like I felt. Get in line, buddy. That was an out-of-body experience I just had. I could check that one off my life list now.
I remembered.
And the weight of the knowledge compressed my chest until I gasped in a huge breath and struggled to sit up. Ethan kept me down and shushed me. The urge to flee was great. It was as if my subconscious knew that panicking wouldn’t help a bit, but like with an addiction you do it anyway even though you know it’ll only make things worse.
I shook my head at him. “I’m not, Ethan. I’m not pregnant. I take my pills and I’ve never missed a day . . .”
He just kept stroking my hair with one hand, resting his other on my shoulder.
He was afraid I was going to run. I know Ethan and I can see how he thinks sometimes. He was holding me down on that couch so I couldn’t leave him, or run away, or take off, or bolt. You are a very wise man, Ethan Blackstone.
Because that is exactly what I wanted to do.
“Remember what I just said to you, Brynne.” His voice was hard but also vulnerable. I could hear the worry in it.
“That you love me?”
He nodded slowly, never taking his hands off me.
“But I am not pregnant,” I insisted. “Let me up.”
“Brynne, you need to have a test and then we’ll know for certain. Hannah and Fred think you could be . . .” he trailed off, his voice so unsure. “Hannah helped me get some pregnancy kits from the chemist’s for you to . . .”
I pushed at him hard. “Let me go!”
“Brynne . . . baby, please just listen—”
“Let. Me. Go. Now!”
He backed off. I sat up and folded my arms beneath my br**sts. I felt so hot and thirsty and just plain old wrong at the moment I couldn’t be a very good judge of much of anything.
“Don’t freak, okay? We need to discuss this like adults.” His jaw ticked from the grinding of teeth.
“Yeah,” I sneered at him. “Discuss. That would’ve been a good idea before you talked to your sister and Freddy about me. Ethan!? Why would you do that? Why?”
“I didn’t. I had no idea. Hannah brought it up to me and then Fred got involved. They think you could be pregnant. Sick last night, napping all the time, and . . . other stuff.”
“What other stuff?”
Ethan looked like he would rather swallow a mouthful of glass than have this discussion with me right now.
He grimaced. “Would you just take the test?”
“No! I won’t just take a test because you and your family think I should! What other stuff?!” The irrationality I knew I shouldn’t be allowing in was getting the old security guard wave-through. Welcome to HorrorLand, please park in lot You’re-Royally-Fucked and make your way to the main gate, where you’ll be greeted by your worst nightmare.
He brought both hands up to my chest, cupped a breast in each and squeezed. I winced from the pain and the panic pumped up another notch. I remembered this kind of pain from before. I’d felt it before. Noooooo!
I pushed his hands away sharply. “You talked about that with them?! Oh my God!”
“It wasn’t like that, Brynne. I didn’t talk about you. Hannah just assumed some things and when I asked for an explanation she told me about . . . symptoms.” He lowered his voice. “You have all those symptoms. You’re getting sick and taking naps and they hurt . . .” He gestured at my chest and trailed off, the wariness in his voice making me feel like a bitch again. I knew I could dish out bitchiness in spades when the occasion called for it. This could be considered one of those times.
I leaned forward and buried my hands in my hair and just sat there, staring down at the floor and tried to process. Ethan let me be, which was a damn good thing because I wanted to lash out and bite like a trapped animal would do. Symptoms . . . My periods are never much and I’ve missed them completely before. My doctor assured me it was normal with the particular kind of birth control pill I take so I’d never worried about it. Truthfully, though, I’d not needed to worry because when you aren’t having sex with anyone, you don’t have to worry you’ll get pregnant! Before Ethan, sex was sporadic and always protected. I wasn’t fool enough to let a guy go without a condom when we didn’t know each other very well. So why did I with Ethan, dumbass? Hell, Ethan had only used a condom one time. Once. Lots and lots of opportunities for the little swimmers to find a way in. Again, I’m a huge enormous dumbass.
Being sick the night before had felt very odd, because as soon as I puked it was like nothing was wrong with me at all. The same thing happened at breakfast this morning. I was really hungry, and then when the food came I just wanted toast. Come to think of it, my stomach felt weak right now. That late lunch of a roast beef sandwich was not settling in well. My br**sts did hurt. I’d taken naps the last two days.
Everything illuminated and came together in a flash of understanding and terrible anxiety. Why was Ethan so calm? He must be appalled too if this was true.
“It can’t be true. It just can’t,” I said to no one in particular.
“Remember what I said, Brynne,” he said with an edge.
I reached out with my hand and he grabbed it, too overwhelmed to really answer him. What could I say to him anyway? Sorry, my birth control pills malfunctioned? I’m a f**ked-up mess and always have been, I might as well get knocked up so I can screw up my life some more? Or, I know this is complicating your stressful life, Ethan, I’m really, really sorry about that, but we’re pregnant.
I swallowed convulsively. Watery saliva began pooling in my throat. More came, and then more, and I knew I would be horribly sick again. I struggled to manage the effects of the nausea that overtook me so suddenly.
I lost.
Lurching up, I ran for the closest bathroom, my mind desperately trying to remember the floor plan of this huge labyrinth of a house. My hand over my mouth, I stumbled into the powder room just off the solarium and flung myself over the toilet. I puked my guts out until there was nothing left to come up.