I went.
All I knew, is that I found my way into the strong arms that I never wanted to leave, that I would ache for once he returned to the army, and that held me so perfectly, I had to tamp down the urge for more tears.
Neil’s hard body and soft lips pressed into me, allowing me to feel a little of how it would be with us, teaching me what it meant to be granted the deepest wish of my heart—to be loved by Neil McManus.
And at the very same time, I was forced to recognize my most terrifying fears in regards to Neil.
I could lose him.
And it would kill me if that ever happened.
7
Neil was careful with me once he got me into his bed. He didn’t go beyond blistering kisses even though I would have let him. He kept us in check and his control was remarkable, because when he pressed against me I could feel how hard he was through his shorts. That it was Neil, and his erection I was feeling against my hip just made me hotter for him.
He hadn’t come to bed naked as I imagined he might have when I first stepped out of the bathroom and saw him waiting for me. No, he was covered, plus the sheet was now completely bunched up between us from my restless legs flailing around. Good thing for the layers and the self-control Neil possessed, because I surely had none.
When things got too heated he’d pull away and just look at me, stroking my cheek or my lips with a fingertip, waiting until we both cooled down.
I stared up at him in the dim light, my insides already a fluttering jumble to begin with, were now even more overwhelmed from his plundering kisses. I wondered where this was all going to lead with him.
Unable to keep still, I arched into him and then pressed my legs together to relieve some of the ache. “I—I need—Neil, I—”
“—I know exactly what you need, darlin’. I know what you need, just like I know what I want to do with you.”
He shifted his hips into me so I got a good feel of what was going on with his cock. He felt huge and this was not a surprise in any way. Neil was a big guy all over. I couldn’t keep my hands off him either. I splayed out my hands across his back as I met his thrust with my own body, feeling heated desire swarm me. I would have done anything he was willing to do and knew that any slowdown of passion would have to be all on him. I extended my hand down the front of his shorts, slowly putting my hand over the rock-hard ridge filling them up.
Neil hissed as my hand came to rest over his erection, his own hand covering mine instantly. “But we’re not doin’ any of it tonight,” he told me softly, gently taking my hand in his and moving them both to the side.
“We aren’t?”
“No. Not here and not like this.” He pressed his lips to the hollow of my throat and spoke against the skin there. “You’re too precious to me for some desperate shag in the middle of the night.” He moved up to my lips. “I won’t do that to you. It’ll be special when we make love. And we will.” He murmured against my lips. “Oh yeah, darlin’, we will, and it’ll be very…very…good when we do.”
****
Neil’s strong arms held me enclosed within them, teaching what it felt like to be body-to-body with the man I loved.
Beautiful, wonderful, and perfect is how it felt.
We also found that conversations came easily for us. Made total sense considering we had years of shared experiences to draw from.
“Do you remember the first time you came over to our house for dinner?” I asked him.
“Of course.” Neil’s fingers stroked up and down my arm as if he just wanted the contact of touching me.
I couldn’t get enough of his hands on me either. His touch was an affirmation of sorts for me. It made everything real and I desperately needed to believe that this was. All my hopes and dreams were riding on that simple fact.
“I fell in love with you when you winked at me over the table.” I looked into his eyes and saw the twinkling laugh reflected in them even if he was silent. Neil could communicate very clearly without speaking, and he did it all the time. I’m sure it was a good skill for the military too, especially when he was leading troops into battle. No wonder he’d already achieved the rank of captain in the British Army.
“I remember winking at you, thinking you were being so generous, offering me the last of your mum’s gourmet buns.”
“You were nice to me,” I told him, “so I could afford to be generous. Not many seventeen year olds will give a ten-year-old the time of day, let alone secret winks.”
Instead of responding to my confession, Neil loomed over me, his mouth dipping down to meet mine, his body pushing me back into the mattress again where he kissed me until I was breathless.
He laid his hand over my heart and held it there. Nothing sexual or wandering in the way he touched my breast, just the gesture of feeling the place where my heart pounded under the skin. “This heart is so beautiful, now as much as when you were ten. You have a beautiful heart, Cherry.”
Just like you do, Neil.
“I think I used to,” I said.
“What do you mean used to?”
I curled into his chest and traced a finger into the hollow of his throat. “After my d-dad died, I—I know I changed and I’m not—I’m not the person I was before. I’m not the nice girl you remember from years ago, Neil. I hope you know that.”
“But you are,” he said. “I know that’s not true. Why would you even think such a thing?” He tightened his grip around me.
“I’ve done things I never would have, if Dad were still here.”
“We all have, Cherry.” He kissed me slow before speaking. “I wish I’d been able to be here back then. I worried so much about you after your dad was taken.”
“I still miss him, so badly.”
“Of course you do. That’s normal.”
“But he would be ashamed of me and what I’ve been up to these last years.”
“And what’s that exactly?”
I didn’t know what to answer. If I was truthful, then Neil might be disgusted with me. If I wasn’t, then it made me a liar by omission and I didn’t think I could do that to Neil. I held our love to a higher standard, and somehow I knew he did as well.
“Well, I’m not innocent. I’ve done things I am ashamed of. I’ve messed around with a bad crowd and…boys. Dad raised me to be better, and to think more of myself than where I’ve been keeping company, and where I’ve been.”