There's only one person I know capable of the level of thoughtfulness it'd take to track one of these down and pay what I would consider to be a small fortune to buy it. Katya is many things; superficial will never be one. Even if I want to deny it's her, I'll always know it is.
Don't let her get to you.
It's too late. My insides are already growing warm, the hot emotions I feel any time I think of her trickling into my thoughts. In a blink, she takes away the quietness in my mind.
"Fuck, Katya." I can't help saying the words aloud. The tiny gift stirs me in ways I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over. It's not only what I feel for her but the newfound appreciation I have for those men like her brother, who didn't even flinch when he volunteered to sacrifice himself for others.
This pin represents everything I've learned and gone through since that night.
Katya has a way of provoking emotions when I want to be numb. I set the golden duck on the desk.
There's still something there between us, something more than the emotions both of us feel surrounding Mikael's death. I don't know what it is or how deep it might run, but it's not going away. Neither is it to the point where I can determine if and what either of us actually feels towards one another. It's like walking blind folded into enemy territory without knowing how many weapons are trained on me.
This can't be healthy.
I have no fucking idea what to do about it. Usually, staying away solves problems. It's not working this time. With no operations planned for the holidays, I'm not certain how I'll be able sit here for two weeks and not think about her.
I lean forward, elbows on my knees, and glare at the Ruptured Duck.
There's no way to know what Katya intended when she sent it, if she meant this as a something more than friendship.
Shit, we aren't even friends. We aren't anything that I know of.
She knows what this means to me.
I close the box and absently reach for the dog tags around my neck. I've got Mikael's with me still. I intended to give them to Riley or one of the others before they left.
I didn't. I'm not sure why. It's not like me to forget something that important.
Katya should have them.
Five minutes after receiving her gift, and I'm spiraling into an emotional firefight that I absolutely hate. I can't not know what's between us after this, and it's clear that, four months after I last saw her, I'm no closer to getting her out of my head than I was at camp.