Those aren't easy lessons to learn. On the days when I visit the VA hospital, they're also very easy to forget. More than once I've taken a couple days off after the Orion visits to clear my head in the forest where Mikael and I grew up. I have the urge to do the same right now, to walk away from the world for a couple of days and connect with nature and the place where we were always happy.
With the snow, Todd and Claudia's draw, I don't have the time, though when spring hits, I'll definitely be out in the forest again.
My phone buzzes, and I answer without bothering to check who it is.
"Hey, Petr." Brianna says cheerfully. "You at the VA?"
"Yeah." My stomach sinks a little more. Not one to avoid people, I nonetheless want some time to myself. Brianna is the last person I care to talk to. "You hear from New York yet?"
"Yeah. I didn't get it," she says. "I'm a little bummed but … I don't know. Maybe the right job is still out there."
"I'm sure it is." I can't bring myself to sympathize more right now, not when I have Orion and Todd in my thoughts.
"You want to meet up tonight?"
I'm a little tired of the on-off nature of our relationship. "I don't think that works for me," I reply.
"Oh, because it's your visitation day and it's super snowy. How about tomorrow?"
"Brianna, what are we doing? Like really?" I ask with mild impatience.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you call when you need me and never for another reason."
"Oh." She's quiet for a moment. "I wanted to talk to you in person about maybe giving it another go, since I won't be moving to New York."
It takes all my will power not to snap at her. My patience and temper are both fried after the visit to Orion. I hear her message, and it strikes me that it's the same one she uses often. Whatever it is she was doing didn't work out, so she's settling for me. I'm a backup, a failsafe.
I'm tired of this cycle. There's no reason for me to settle for being second pick. I can't help thinking of Claudia. Our single kiss and the five minutes a day we spend together may be all I ever have, but I'd rather take the chance on Claudia than remain Brianna's backup.
"That's not good enough for me anymore, Brianna," I reply softly. "I'm sorry, but there is no us and hasn't been for quite some time. I've let this go on too far. We're done, Brianna. I wish you well and happy."