"Yes," I manage hoarsely. "Yes. You're saying … you're saying it's over? Like really over?"
"It's over. This will be the last Christmas you have to spend away from your mother."
"No, really."
"Really!" he laughs. "I've been praying you'd call soon, so I could tell you. It's your own personal Christmas miracle. Yours and Todd's."
"I can't believe it."
He says a few more sentences I don't register in a chipper tone. When he's quiet, I blink and focus.
"Thank you, Simon," I murmur. "My god … thank you."
"I'd wait until after the arrest happens to start calling people," he advises. "Don't want to give him the motivation to leave town before Monday."
"Yeah … sure. I understand." I hang up without saying farewell, too shocked to care about being polite.
For a very, very long moment, I sit in silence with the disposable phone - my second this month - in my lap.
It's over.
I've dreamt of these words for years. Rather than joy, I feel … overwhelmed. Confused. Hating my way of life, it nonetheless became normal for me. I can't imagine returning to my old life and going back to college like every other student.
My life is permanently changed. I am permanently changed. Obsessed with day-to-day survival, I try to imagine a life without fear and draw a blank.
Except for Todd. He'll always be part of my world. And …
Petr. If I could start over, build my life from scratch, I would begin with the man who makes my world a better place, who's shown more kindness to my brother and me than we've ever known. I'd like to think I make his life better, too, or he wouldn't be so interested.
I can't see anything else but them in my future.
My gaze goes to the laptop. I tap the mouse pad to wake it up. The smiling faces of Petr, Mikael, and Katya pop up on my computer.
I've been yearning to take a chance on him almost since we met, pushing him away while my heart crept closer and closer.
Why do I still experience fear? It's a different kind, warm instead of cold, but fear nonetheless. Fear of the unknown, uncertainty about the next step in my life. It was always clear before.
What happens when it's time to stop running? If I'm not moving forward, then where am I going? How do I learn to stay? What is real normal like, and how do I become it after everything I've been through?
My hands tremble. My thoughts are too raucous to make sense of, so I flip on the television to drown them out.