Paul was a saint to put up with me. When I apologized for my moods, he'd hear nothing of it. "My God, do you realize what you've been going through, Sarah? When they talk about the most traumatic events in life, what's mentioned?" He began to count them off on his fingers. "Death of a spouse, death of a parent, moving, changing jobs, getting married; they don't even bother mentioning 'getting two new children'! And here you've gone five for five and you're wondering why you're messed up in the head!"
"I'm not 'messed up', I'm just a bit . . ."
"Messed up. And it's my fault for racing you into this life before you had time to adapt, a step at a time."
I kissed him. "Believe me, if I didn't have my family I'd be in far worse shape. I'll be fine. I just need a few days to adjust."
It was true about loving my life but I lied about how terrible I felt. Dreams kept me awake for hours, and I struggled through the most mundane chores. Karen too, worried me. I felt she was experiencing similar problems to mine though she kept them better hidden. She spent too much time alone in her room, and I know her nightmares returned. I heard her in the pit of the night when I too was having trouble sleeping. I calmed her, but she turned away. The second time it happened, Paul was on an overnight in New York. I insisted he go, knowing I'd already caused several interruptions to his schedule. Our camping vacation beginning the day after tomorrow would complicate his schedule even more.
Karen feigned sleep but I tugged her reluctantly to my room and cuddled in the love chair, at three o'clock in the morning.
"Tell me what's the matter, Karen. Talk to me."
She began to cry. "I told you. If you love someone, they die. You didn't believe me."
"Karen, Hon, Grandma was sick a very long time. Just be thankful you got to meet her. I'm thrilled you two were so fond of one another, even for a short time. If it wasn't for you and your Dad, I might not have even gone and seen her."
"But now she's gone and I'll never get to talk to her again."
I held her tightly. "Don't ever fail to love out of fear it will go away. You'll miss a world of happiness."
She continued to cry. "You already told me that."
"I meant it then and I mean it now."
"Why do I always bawl wherever we're alone?"
"Because you can, honey. And there's no one to make fun of you or call you a crybaby or tell anyone else about it or tell you to stop. I'll always be here for you."