So far I have gone through 3 different stages of grief.
Stage one: Isolation. For the first couple of days I locked myself in the room ignoring everyone and everything around me. I woke up and fell asleep crying. No eating, no sunlight, I didn't even bother taking showers. What for? It's not like I cared what people thought. I've mourn Gabe all by myself. I had no one to talk to or no one to comfort me when I needed. I didn't have no one to hug me at night and tell me everything was going to be alright that I was going to get through this. Nope it was only me.
Stage two: Anger. After I ran out of tears the anger came. I was angry with Mark, life, but mostly myself because I could of prevent all of this. All I wanted to do was hit something to get my frustration out. That's where kickboxing came in. I would be in the gym for hours just kicking and boxing my pain away. The first couple of days my body was so sore that just breathing hurt but I welcome the pain. Any pain is better than the one I carry inside of me but that didn't last long either. Unlike the heart the body gets used to the pain you put it through.
Which leads me to
Stage 3: Alcohol. Trust me when I say drinking is never the answer but alcohol is my medicine. Even if it's just for a short period of time it numbs the pain and I'll take that over being in pain all day. Anytime I start to feel anything I go straight for a bottle to drown my feelings it helps me forget how fucked up my life is. I didn't know how fucked up this situation really was until the day I walked in to that office.
2 months ago....
"You?" I choked out. What the hell is going on? How is this possible? "Hi, Princess," my father smiles at me from his chair "maybe you should take a seat". I can't find the strength to move. I was prepare to face any one even the devil himself but not him. It never cross my mind that he was behind all of this. He walks around the desk and pulls a chair for me. "How?" I finally manage to ask with out moving from my spot. "Sit down and I'll explain everything" he motions to the chair. I really don't feel like sitting down but my legs don't agree with me so I take a seat. I don't know if I should be happy to see my father again or if I should be angry with him. "It's good to see you again Princess" he said with a smile on his face. I wrap my arms around myself to stop from jumping into his arms. For the first time in my life I need him to be my father and only that. I need him to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be fine. I need him to make this go away like he used to do when I was younger and had a bad day. He would always find a way to cheer me up but I'm not that little naive girl anymore. I know he can't fix this. No one can.