The Moonstone - Page 199/404

"Are you really sure, Godfrey, that you are so fond of me as that?"

"Sure! You know what I was, Rachel. Let me tell you what I am. I have

lost every interest in life, but my interest in you. A transformation

has come over me which I can't account for, myself. Would you believe

it? My charitable business is an unendurable nuisance to me; and when I

see a Ladies' Committee now, I wish myself at the uttermost ends of the

earth!"

If the annals of apostasy offer anything comparable to such a

declaration as that, I can only say that the case in point is

not producible from the stores of my reading. I thought of the

Mothers'-Small-Clothes. I thought of the Sunday-Sweetheart-Supervision.

I thought of the other Societies, too numerous to mention, all built

up on this man as on a tower of strength. I thought of the struggling

Female Boards, who, so to speak, drew the breath of their business-life

through the nostrils of Mr. Godfrey--of that same Mr. Godfrey who had

just reviled our good work as a "nuisance"--and just declared that he

wished he was at the uttermost ends of the earth when he found himself

in our company! My young female friends will feel encouraged to

persevere, when I mention that it tried even My discipline before I

could devour my own righteous indignation in silence. At the same time,

it is only justice to myself to add, that I didn't lose a syllable of

the conversation. Rachel was the next to speak.

"You have made your confession," she said. "I wonder whether it would

cure you of your unhappy attachment to me, if I made mine?"

He started. I confess I started too. He thought, and I thought, that she

was about to divulge the mystery of the Moonstone.

"Would you think, to look at me," she went on, "that I am the

wretchedest girl living? It's true, Godfrey. What greater wretchedness

can there be than to live degraded in your own estimation? That is my

life now."

"My dear Rachel! it's impossible you can have any reason to speak of

yourself in that way!"

"How do you know I have no reason?"

"Can you ask me the question! I know it, because I know you. Your

silence, dearest, has never lowered you in the estimation of your true

friends. The disappearance of your precious birthday gift may seem

strange; your unexplained connection with that event may seem stranger

still."

"Are you speaking of the Moonstone, Godfrey----"

"I certainly thought that you referred----"

"I referred to nothing of the sort. I can hear of the loss of the

Moonstone, let who will speak of it, without feeling degraded in my own

estimation. If the story of the Diamond ever comes to light, it will be

known that I accepted a dreadful responsibility; it will be known that I

involved myself in the keeping of a miserable secret--but it will be

as clear as the sun at noon-day that I did nothing mean! You have

misunderstood me, Godfrey. It's my fault for not speaking more plainly.

Cost me what it may, I will be plainer now. Suppose you were not in love

with me? Suppose you were in love with some other woman?"