So far, Felix hadn’t been as strong as he’d hoped for her, but he was determined that she would not go through this alone. Felix knew how much she’d kept from her dad and Memo already because she didn’t want them worried: nothing big, just how weak she felt at times and the times she was so sick to her stomach. She always said she didn’t see the point in telling them about it. There was nothing they could do about it.
The moment he got home he knew something was up. Memo’s car was still there, and Ella had specifically said he only had a couple of hours to spare.
With his heart already pounding, Felix jumped out of his car and rushed inside. No one was downstairs, and he heard voices upstairs. He tore up the stairs, already feeling the lump in his throat. Be strong, damn it!
The nurse, Memo, and Ella all shut up at once when they saw him at the door. Ella seemed fine, but she was packing a bag. “Where you going?” he asked.
Ella glanced at Memo and then the nurse. “Can you guys give us a minute, please?”
Memo patted him on the shoulder as he walked past him. The nurse wouldn’t even look at him. Felix’s breathing was already accelerated. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” she said reassuringly. “I have to be admitted into the hospital for a few days. That’s all.”
“What do you mean ‘that’s all’? Why?”
The numbing pain he’d had in his heart from the moment she first told him about the cancer was an all-out scorching ache now. He rushed to her side. The same desperate and irrational thoughts came to him. Ella had proven to be so strong he wanted to believe her unequivocally when she’d promised she’d beat this. So he actually considered for a moment falling on his hands and knees and begging her to keep her promise.
“It’s not unusual for cancer cells to spread even during chemo,” she explained calmly, taking his hand. “Mine haven’t,” she enunciated that part as if to make absolutely sure he understood that, but it still didn’t lessen the absolute terror he was already feeling. They were admitting her to the hospital for a reason.
Ella continued to explain calmly, and Felix could tell she was dumbing it down for him a bit, but basically the doctors wanted to avoid any chance of her bad cells spreading, so they were going to get more aggressive with the chemo. She’d have to be admitted. The stronger treatment would need to be administered slowly through an IV, and she needed to be monitored throughout.
“How long?”
“Three days,” she said with a smile as if that weren’t as terrifying as hell.
“I’ll be with you the whole time.”
“No, Felix, that’s not necessary. You’re training—”
“Ella, I’m gonna be there,” he said firmly.
He saw her eyes begin to well up, but she quickly shook her head as if to ward off the emotion. Emotion he knew she had to be hiding just to put up the happy act for him.
“I haven’t told my dad.”
“I’ll tell him. Don’t worry about that. When will they admit you?”
“Tonight. They wanna start as soon as possible.”
That was another blow to the gut for Felix, but he forced himself to recover from it fast. “I’ll go call the guys and explain to them I’ll be off for the next three days.” He kissed her softly. “It’s gonna be fine.”
Felix was determined to turn the tables on her and stop forcing her to be the strong one when she should be focusing on getting well, not coddling everyone around her. He’d call her dad later tonight and explain to him that all of them—her dad, Memo, and Felix himself—needed to man the fuck up already. He was done letting Ella take on the entire burden and have to hide her emotion—her fear. He knew she had to be scared out of her mind. He certainly was.
Felix had often said Ella was his life now and if he lost her he’d be losing his life. He could say it all he wanted, but the truth was it was only metaphorically speaking. He’d never do that to his mother, but he knew if Ella didn’t win this battle he’d never recover from this loss. A part of his soul would die with her, and life as he knew it would be changed forever. But this was Ella’s actual life. She was dealing with the fact that this maybe it for her. Not even a broken empty shell of a life would be left of her as it would be for Felix. She was dealing with a much harsher reality, and he needed to remember that.
The whole way to the hospital Felix kept a positive attitude. It actually pissed him off that doing so seemed to actually allow Ella to stop trying to put up such a brave front. Once she was all hooked up to the monitors and the IV drip and the nurse finished explaining all the details of the procedure, they were left alone and Ella admitted she was scared.
Felix fought the urge to grind his teeth. Of course she was scared. He was just glad he’d finally pulled his head out of his ass and let her be the scared one. “A very wise person once told me it was okay to be scared.”
She smiled at him weakly. “It’s what my mom used to tell me all the time. What wasn’t okay was to give up—be defeated. And I won’t be.”
“I know,” he said, squeezing her hand, “because you promised. You know what my mom said to me when I called her to tell her you were being admitted?”
He’d leave out the part about desperately begging his mom to help him calm down. Ella looked at him curiously. “What?”
“She said things can never be so bad if they could be worse, and she reminded me that there is always something to be thankful for.” He fought the emotion because he was done falling apart in front of Ella at least for now. “You’re still fighting, the doctors are still hopeful, and getting more aggressive treatment is a good thing. We should be thankful for it, not scared.”