“For weeks afterward, talking to her on the phone and seeing her when I went to visit her were the only things that got me through the day sometimes.” He turned to Ella as if he really needed her to understand this part. “Before Jordan was born, we never said we were seeing each other, but we’d begun to hold hands. I’d kissed her a few times, but it was such a tender time, such an atypical situation, and I knew I’d fucked up royally with her already. I wanted to be there for her but not push for anything more. Not yet. I knew she was wary of things between her and me ever working. Then our baby didn’t make it.” He looked away, and Ella saw his big strong jaw tighten. “She never told me that, when she’d gone back to live with her parents but before I started coming to visit, she’d reconnected with her childhood sweetheart. She hadn’t seen him since she’d moved to Chicago, and even though I’d started coming around to visit, it was only around her doctor appointment dates. I was training, promoting, and busy all the time, but I did make time for the appointments, and I kept in touch on the phone and texted. The whole time she and her ex were reconnecting.”
He stood up as if he couldn’t sit anymore, and Ella looked up at him, wondering if she should stand too or stay put. She decided for the moment she’d stay put.
“I’d set aside the months after Jordan’s expected birthdate way before she was due. I told Andy not to schedule me for anything. I was gonna take at least six months off of everything to devote myself to my son and to try to work on the relationship with Shelley. As the weeks went by after Jordan’s death, I thought I’d imagined her distancing herself from me. But I told myself I was being paranoid. Then a few weeks later, she emailed me.” He stopped the pacing he’d begun again to stop and look at Ella. “Fucking emailed me. This long ass email to explain why she didn’t think things would ever work between her and me. Our worlds were too different, and she and her ex were getting back together.”
The pain in his eyes was now accompanied by a heat. She’d seen that heat when Felix had caught up to her in the stairwell and had seen her tears the day Grayson showed up at 5th Street, making her jump out of the car.
“That’s when I knew it was all karma biting me back in the ass,” he said louder now—angrier. “Everything. All of it was my fault! I’d brought it on myself: Bianca and Gio betraying me, Shelley wanting me out of her life, Jordan—”
“Stop!” Ella jumped off the sofa to her feet. Her heart pounded, aching for him but at the same time angry that he would think such a thing. “How could you think for even a second that you’re to blame for his death?”
“Because I am! What goes around comes around. I’d been a total selfish asshole, never once taking into account the feelings of any of those women I was ever with. I’d hurt people.”
“Not like that! You told me yourself you never promised any girl anything until Bianca.” She reminded him. “All those women knew the risks they were taking. Besides, God doesn’t work that way!”
“I didn’t say God. I said karma.”
He sounded enraged with himself now, but Ella still saw the pain in his eyes.
“So everybody that loses someone or gets hurt deserves it?” Felix began to say something but then seemed to catch himself. “Bad things happen to good people too, Felix.”
He reached out and touched her face. “In your case, yes, sweetheart, but in mine—”
“No!” she said with even more conviction. “No one deserves to go through the pain of losing a loved one, but that’s life. What happened to you was tragic, but it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t bring that on yourself. If you wanna blame Bianca’s and Shelley’s turning on you on karma, then that’s up to you. I personally don’t think that’s fair to Gio for you to think the only reason Bianca fell in love with him, married him, and had his child was just to spite you.”
He shook his head stubbornly. “She didn’t do it. I did it. She fell in love with him because I didn’t deserve her.”
“And you deserve me?”
That silenced him, and he stared at her, breathing hard. Ella hadn’t even noticed how worked up even she’d gotten because now she too stood there in front of him attempting to slow her accelerated breathing.
“Probably not,” he finally whispered.
She reached out to him and took his hand. “Honey, the guilt you’re feeling over your lifestyle, your success, and your wealth isn’t fair.” She brought his open palm to the side of her face and leaned her cheek against the warmth of his hand. “I think you deserve to be able to enjoy what you worked so hard for. All those women you think you hurt . . . If you really didn’t promise any of them anything like you say you didn’t, they went into it, knowing full well not to expect anything. And let me tell you I know they got something out of it too. The whole Bianca thing . . .” She shrugged. “So you made a mistake. It cost you dearly and you learned from it. Move on. And Shelley? You did try to make it right. Everything happens for a reason. Things didn’t work out for you with her because she wasn’t the one.”
For the first time since they’d talked about his enormous dinner—the one he didn’t even touch—he smiled. “Are you the one for me, Ella?”
She smiled, feeling a little choked up suddenly. Was this impossibly gorgeous man with such a broken soul and gentle, ready-to-love heart really asking her this? “I hope so,” she whispered.